ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC...but not the one you're thinking of...

ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC…but not the one you’re thinking of…

Duke Savage

Washington, DC

As the NBA season comes creeping ever closer, the talks about the 2015-16 free agent class has already begun churning, with Kevin Durant’s future leading the charge. Although many have speculated that the hiring of Durant’s one time high school coach Randy Wittman could draw Durant to the Wizards, the team he grew up rooting for as a child. Sure, the Cucumber has hedged their bets on an NBA star making the transition to the WNBA (see past article on the Dwight Howard free agent travesty) and SURE we at the Cucumber were miles from being correct but here we have a somewhat substantial lead. Ryen Russillo, NBA inside and ESPN Radio host of the SVP & Russillo radio show (side note: greatest sports show of all time), tweeted out Wednesday that he believes the other team in DC could hold the lead in the Durant sweepstakes. This tweet by Russillo could be assumed to go along with Russillo’s stunning record of all-star sarcasm, but we at the Cucumber believe every lead is credible and anything tweeted out should be handled with the utmost seriousness. The Mystics, Washington’s WNBA squad who sits second in the Eastern Conference, would more than welcome the added height as their tallest player is 6’5″, Durant’s lanky 6’9″ frame. If Durant were to break the “gender barrier”, he would clearly be the first but would most likely open the door for many other stars to make the leap into the WNBA. We at the Cucumber would love to thank Mr. Russillo and his show for the tip on Durant’s pending free agency and urge them to keep up the cutting edge insight. 

Drizzy proudly trades in his red and white of the Miami Heat for the burgundy and gold of the Cleveland Cavs.

Drizzy proudly trades in his red and white of the Miami Heat for the burgundy and gold of the Cleveland Cavs. As spots open up for Cavaliers pre and post game entertainment, Drake is exercising all possibles “ins” into the Cavalier organization.

 

Duke Savage

Cleveland, OH

Two weeks after LeBron James jostled the NBA East’s makeup by re-relocating back to Cleveland, a less publicized announcement happened that deserves some attention. Thanks to his well publicized affinity for hitching his wagon to the hottest teams/stars in popular sports, hip hop artist Drake decided that he, also, is heading to Cleveland. With his close “friendship” with both John Football as well as King James himself, Drake’s transition to a “lifelong Cleveland fan” shouldn’t surprise anyone. Drake’s flip-flopping allegiances puts him along side Manziel and James for the renewal of the Ohio economy as well as its’ sports fandom. “The weeks leading up to Bron’s decision was tough on Drizzy” says Patrick “P-Body” Benson. “Drizzy’s a Miami dude at heart, a Toronto hero at heart and a Cleveland lover at heart. Dude has a pretty big heart.” Although  having Drake on the sideline provides the Cavs with no legitimate benefits, many Cleveland fans are rejoicing the new additions to famous Cleveland celebrities in their original and pieced together LeBron jerseys. Although Cleveland’s head coach David Blatt was unable to be reached for a comment, a source told The Cucumber that Blatt is quite confused as to who Drake actually is. “Coach Blatt has absolutely no clue who Drake is or why everyone is so excited.” Other than bringing a few more twenty-something idiots to the Cavs games, Drizzy’s spokespeople have said he’s excited to bring a little more “swag” to Cleveland. While many Clevelanders await Drake’s first ever Cavs’ and Browns’ games this year, even more await the opportunity to make fun of how hopelessly pathetic the artists’ bandwagoning mentality is. From sports fans everywhere, please, go away Drake…..please.

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Similar to Austin Powers, San Antonio Spurs minority owner Samuel Simon had some trouble “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl”. Unfortunately for Simon, much like Donald Sterling, his privacy was breached by a wretched woman. Other than fearing for Mr. Simon’s intestinal durability, this writer fears that nothing is private in the world of 2014.

Duke Savage

Dallas, TX

In the wake of the Donald Sterling shit show, the NBA owners are all on edge with regards to the skeletons in their respective closets. An audio tape floated up Tuesday morning whose contents were incriminating of yet another NBA leader but this time it was Samuel Simon, minority owner of the San Antonio Spurs. Simon’s girlfriend Natasha Petrova released a tape to Deadspin revealing a personal struggle Simon had late Monday night. Simon, who had been struggling to pass what was left of a Texas Roadhouse Steak Tips plate. “It’s really just muddled grunts and pleas to God for support” said NBA investigator Alex Trimmle, “It was a lot like the scene from Austin Powers, he just had to bite his lip and give it hell.” Many of his fellow owners have spoken out in support of Simon, offering digestive suggestions as well as names of gastrointestinal specialists from the area. Simon’s representatives have released a brief statement regarding Mr. Simon’s intestinal fortitude. “Mr. Simon, as well as the Spurs organization, regret the audio that was released yesterday. We are deeply saddened by Mr. Simon’s struggles and are here to provide any push or support needed by Mr. Simon.” This recent scandal is a skid mark on an otherwise pearly white public record of the Spurs organization. This second thought-to-be-private moment that was recorded and released to the public, sets the rest of the owners on notice, nothing is sacred…not even the porcelain thinking chair. On the bright side, all signs point to the fact that Mr. Simon did wash his hands before returning to his court-side seats. 

For the first Annual Happy Gilmore Classic, all formal normalities and guidelines of golf are farted into the wind. WARNING: Old crotchety gallery members: there will be fun at this event...if you are opposed/allergic please consult your physician before attending.

For the first Annual Happy Gilmore Open, all formal normalities and guidelines of golf are farted into the wind. WARNING: Old crotchety gallery members: there will be fun at this event…if you are opposed/allergic please consult your physician before attending.

Duke Savage

Savannah, Georgia

In a desperate move to regain some of the once loyal younger demographic, the PGA has generated a new and alternative event inspired by the Hollywood shenanigans of Happy Gilmore. After television ratings took a dramatic slide following the “Tiger-Free” Masters won by Bubba Watson, PGA Special Events Administrator James Hutchinson devised this promotional Gilmore Open. “Let’s face it, golf is really boring to watch. From the overzealous announcers, to the pompous gallery onlookers all the way up to the frilly club covers; golf needs a kick start”, said Hutchinson. The intention of the event is to make the atmosphere as close to the “sex, drugs and rock’n’roll” mentality that Gilmore embodied. The typically regal and boring announcers will be replaced with Fear Factor’s Joe Rogan, a cocaine infused Carrot Top and NFL legend Bill Romanowski to cover the sideline reporting. This, of course, culminating in the highest steroid aggregate of any golf announcing trio in the Tour’s history. Contestants are encouraged to carry at least one worn down hockey stick in their bags, abandon their current caddies for a more homeless alternative, be under the influence of at least one substance and to forcibly “place” their clubs in as many hazards as possible. Although some golf diehards are snubbing their nose at the idea of the idea of change, many of the younger demographic are “fuggin psyched” about the new development. “Fights, drugs and sex in the gallery? It’s like a lubricant free version of wrestling! Plus it gives us a reason to day drink…who doesn’t like that?” one underaged anonymous fan was quoted as saying. Although not confirmed, there have been rumors of appearances of both Shooter McGavin as well as Bob Barker; however Barker’s representatives have been disgruntled over compensation for the legendary TV personality. (Insert “Price is Right” joke here).

toilet seatDuke Savage

Slicklizzard, AL

An Alabama judge will rule this week on one a debate that has left millions of marriages at a stand still; the never ending fighting over the resting position of a toilet seat. Joe Lancebomber, will face prosecution from a civil action suit brought forth by his wife Beverly, for injuries and mental damages from an injury sustained on the couples’ porcelain throne. Beverly experienced the injury thanks to her husbands alleged “negligence” at 1:35 a.m. Saturday morning during a routine late night “tinkle”. The judge in question, honorable Gerald Blinker, was quoted as saying “This is a stinky situation. This argument goes back as far as the famous chicken/road debacle.” Mr. Lancebomber faces up to a $4,000 fine, 90 days probation and a punishment of being Alabama’s rival LSU’s mascot for the 2014-2015 college football season. Lawyers from both sides have slung mud back and forth in a manner that would make Johnny Cochran blush. The phrase that is leaving Blinker perplexed is synonymous with the issue; “How hard is it to put the seat down?” Although this is a seemingly insurmountable hurdle,  80 year-old scientific evidence was provided by the defense states that putting the seat down takes a remarkably menial .009 lbs of pressure; leaving the debate leaning towards the fairer sex. Don’t get those “I told you so” fingers out quite yet ladies, a remarkable break through from up and coming Cal Tech scientist Marcus Dingle may leave this argument in the…well…crapper. Dingle, better known to his friends as Barry, discovered that it takes EQUAL pressure to raise the toilet seat UP as it does DOWN. Judge Blinker is scheduled to announce his decision Friday but all signs point towards Mr. Lancebomber walking away unscathed. This hopeful reporter saves faith that Blinker will come to his senses and let bygones be bygones. So how much effort does it take to put the toilet seat up? Just as much as it does to put it back up when you’re done ladies.

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Duke Savage

Sochi, Russia

As a part of the gang of displaced media covering the 2014 Olympics hosted in Sochi, the local drunk informed this reporter that the town was connected to the notorious conman/developer George Bluth, Sr. As with his secret contract with Saddam Hussein for building a tract of low end fake homes in Iraq, Bluth and Putin struck an agreement to build Sochi at 1/100th of the $51 billion allotted for the Olympic budget. This lays to rest all of the questions about missing door handles, light fixtures, shower curtains and the bathroom surveillance. In complete Bluth fashion, a few small corners were cut; walls left unfinished, toilets that can’t handle toilet paper (but there are garbage cans provided for the shit stained paper), rabid dogs or construction workers laying in hotel beds or doors left eerily open for no apparent reason, the entire town of Sochi is thrown together like a 5th grade science project. Bluth, who is known for galavanting with the who’s who of the world’s oppressive playboys, was the first one to introduce Putin to bear wrestling; something that has Putin has made his calling card in the past weeks. The IOC was unable to be reached for comment on this matter, however we were able to meet with the IOC president’s cousin’s babysitter’s neighbor Rufus Beltsnatch who said “Yea they’re in a hot mess. That Bluth fella really left them up shit creek without a paddle.” As a notice to the IOC, next time you choose a location for the WINTER Olympics, aim for a place that has naturally occurring snow (somewhat of a staple for all winter sports), that isn’t in the armpit of a terrorist ridden area of the world, and a place that won’t piss away $51 BILLION and 7 years to slap together a shanty town to host the best athletes in the world.

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Duke Savage
Sissipoo Falls, Nova Scotia, Canada

As the Justin Bieber deportation petition garners it’s 100,000th signature, the American people are forced to turn it’s back on such childish issues as disappearing retirement funds, a confusing healthcare debate and a economy in the toilet and focus on the Biebs. 6 days after his arrest for suspicion of drunk driving and the day he was arrested for assaulting a limo driver, Beliebers are faced with the fate of their messiah on the line. Although the importance of Bieber’s American citizenship doesn’t rank high for almost everyone, a recent poll has shown Canadians’ number of f*%ks given. It’s hovering near zero. “Him? Damnit I thought we for rid of him. Our country has had two idiots, Bieber and Dudley Douchebag. At least Disney made a decent movie out of Dudley” said Sissipoo’s Samuel Brown. The bright side of Bieber’s impending struggle is some countries have volunteered a safe haven for the heart throb. Cameroon has had many suggest their’s might be a welcomed home. “His music is terrible….but we love beavers” says Cameroon’s Eric Osei. This just goes to show that no matter the lack of regard one has for the lives of others, no matter how pompous one man can get, someone somewhere will take him in and make fun of him. We at the Cucumber our only hope is wherever he lands, people will continue to shower him with insults and the malign Americans have willingly handed out.