Archive for July, 2011

Tony the Tiger, spun out of his mind at a recent charity event.

Jonathan Cooper,

One of America’s favorite cereal characters Tony the Tiger may see his career coming to an end. During a recent charity softball event Tony rounded first base and mauled 9 year old second base man Danny McCloud. A small team of zoologist’s had to secure the park and tranquilize the tiger. CEO of Kellogs cereal Mark Stanford was quoted on the charity softball incident “Well, just because he talks doesn’t mean he isn’t a wild animal, seriously, what kind of parent would let their kid play softball with a fully grown six-hundred pound Siberian tiger”. This is just another instance in a host of problems that have recently surfaced in relation to the well-known Frosted Flakes advertising cartoon mascot. After a lab test and speaking with Tony once he had recovered from the tranquilizer it became apparent of his relentless struggles with drug addiction. The charity softball attack on McCloud was the climactic end to a four-week frosting bender. The Cucumber Periodicals had a moment to catch up with Tony the Tiger once he had recovered from his less than tranquil experiance and let us in on an exclusive inside story to his drug addiction. Some of Tony’s responses may be extremely shocking, “I don’t remember one commercial I have ever been in, for a while I thought I was selling furniture” Tony’s drug of choice, the very bottom part of the Frosted Flakes bag “which I either railed or smoked off a spoon, that’s actually how they came up with some of the more famous taglines like ‘They’re GR-R-REAT!!’ and ‘Pass It On!’ which is what I would usually yell after using”. Tony also mentioned to us how Kellogs did their best to cover up his addiction for the last decade, shuffling him around to and from public events and commercials “the producers would bring me 15, 20, sometimes even 30 dusters (duster’s are the bottom end of the cereal bag) and sort of just turn their heads”. Since news of the incidences Kellog’s Frosted Flakes brand executives and producers have been under rigorous ethical surveillance.

Tony has recently admitted himself into a four-star rehabilitation clinic for powdered sugar and excessive steroid use, he plans to be sober and on his feet again in six months.

This very light switch is the caused Viagra to fall on.....hard......times

Duke Savage

Intercourse, AL (it’s a real place trust me!)

Earlier this morning, The Cucumber Periodicals received an email from one of our loyal readers containing the above shown image and the shocking news that pharmaceutical power house and house wive favorite, Viagra, is being sued for their overly aggressive new ad campaign. Previous campaigns for this and many other companies specializing in erectile dysfunction medications have been known to make vulgar references to the male genitalia during moments of frustratingly difficult intimate relations. Thankfully, this attempt to blend “street art” with their important and simple message resulted in the mental anguish of only one tender mind. “I was the first to use the lady’s room at work this morning and so naturally, I had to turn on the lights” said Mona Lipizzaner. Ms. Lipizzaner is the Manager at the Victoria’s Secret in Intercourse’s mall. Why would Viagra target this market? That is a fantastic question and one that we may never know. When I approached Viagra’s CEO Ike Goldshlitz, he promptly brushed me off and continued to his new Bentley coupe followed by his wife and her large number of Victoria’s Secret bags. Whether this was an intended advertising strategy, a desperate form of revenge by an unsatisfied wife or a daring young artist who shares a name with a mega corporation, it was a HARD choice to make and it was sure to scare Ms. Lipizzaner STIFF.

Stephen in textbook squawk stance

Stephen, a two and a half year old dominant male blue jay spends several hours each morning squawking extremely loudly outside college student’s windows “usually I start around sunrise, I’d say about 5 am, and just basically squawk as loud as I can for 4-5 hours” said Stephen when we approached him offering a handful of sunflower seeds, asking “seriously, what’s the deal?”.  It’s a common known fact that if you have something important to do, are extremely hung over, or are just trying to get your standard 8 hours of sleep in, your chances of being woken up by an aggressive Blue Jay squawk are increased 83 percent.  Tyler Gibbons a senior studying organic chemistry at Oregon State University is all too familiar with this ongoing problem “I seriously hate those god d*** birds, I swear every time I have something to do one of these huge blue jays lands on my gutter right outside my window, I mean you can try to shut your window, but that squawk is crazy loud”.  Recent studies show that blue jays are the most annoying thing in the world from 5-10 am, most people would rather be stuck in traffic, hustled by a homeless man for spare change, or take an extremely scalding shower with an severe sunburn than have to listen to one of these birds for even like, 25 minutes.  Stephen, board member of SQWK a formal blue jay organization, located in a tall oak tree right next to your house reports “we have no plans to quit squawking, in fact, we have been trying to come up with further ways to ruin people’s mornings, such as scratching along your gutters, and building nests in your wall spaces”, needless to say it looks like we’re going to be continually harassed by these bothersome scrub-jays indefinitely.  Sadly, shortly after our interview with the two and a half year old blue jay, Stephen was shot in the temple with a Wadcutter pellet shot out of a daisy BB gun.  Reportedly seven pumps does the trick.

From my second story window,

 Jonathan Cooper

This Eskimo woman allowed me to photograph her once she had emptied her whipped cream can and knocked out a few too many

Duke Savage

Nuuk, Greenland

Although there are many popular theories on the origins of Global Warming, most of which blaming the burning of fossil fuels and our culture’s dependence on them. However, on a walk home from Nuuk’s finest drinking establishment, I found the real answer. In the alley way between It’s Cold As Balls Way and Hypothermia Avenue I found a group of 65 Eskimos spraying a wide range of aerosol cans into the air. This not only struck me as a ridiculous group activity for Eskimos but also a wild waste of Greenland’s supply of spray paint, bathroom cleaners and Axe Body Scents. When I approached the spraying crazies, they immediately stopped their spraying and claimed they were “simply making a mural”. After making a comment along the lines of “Either you’re using invisible paint or you guys should stick to Vin Diesel movies and finger painting” I was surrounded by these Eskimos and beaten senseless. I awoke the next morning with a unmatched fervor to find out the reason for this CFC party. An Inuit woman I had become friends with informed me that this was their way of “sticking it to the man”. When I probed further and asked who this “man” was, she replied with “The idiot that named the ice covered continent Greenland and the green one Iceland. That guy needs to pay.” After I agreed with Iglopuk, my Inuit nagojut (friend), I pointed out some flaw in her logic. I pointed out that not only would this idiot suffer but so would the rest of the world that agrees he struggles with naming. She seemed unaffected by this comment, took another whip it and said “We’re tired of this cold weather. These parkas look comfortable and amazing but we’re all in desperate need of a tan. We want some sunshine and 75 degree weather.” So instead of blaming the insensitive SUV owners for the rising sea levels and vanishing ice caps point the blame at these spray happy Eskimos.

Picture posted on Ron Weasley’s Twitter account at 3:14 am titled “Flying on the Sauce” shows Potter heavily intoxicated while piloting his Firebolt broom stick

Jonathan Cooper,

Professional wizard, and whimsical douche bag, Harry Potter was arrested for driving under the influence when he collided with a police cruiser downtown near the 500 block of East Johnston Street at 4:28 am. Sheriff Dan Willis on his routine night shift was stopped at a traffic light when the famed wizard reportedly slammed into the front of the police interceptor at a high rate of speed causing extensive damage. Potter who was piloting a Firebolt Broom Stick at the time of the accident, smelled profoundly of bourbon and cigarettes failed to pass a sobriety test, continually referring to the test as “black magic” Potter refused to take a breathalyzer at the scene. Once apprehended, he was charged with a DUI blowing a non-human .43 BAC at the station, as well as several other severe FAA penalties that come with operating a flying broom stick recklessly with no regard for standard regulations. Harry Potter’s lawyer David Weinstien released a press statement early this morning stating Potter had been playing in a late night Quidditch match and that the “trace amounts of PCP found near Mr. Potters unrecognizable splintered Firebolt on East Johnston Street could have been anyone’s” the lawyer then reserved the right to answer any further legal questioning.  Sheriff Willis was commended for his efforts in apprehending the belligerent wizard but really, really, doesn’t want everyone at the precinct calling him Sheriff Voldemort anymore.

Hours after being detained cellmate Deon Walkins reportedly witnessed Potter fashioning a fairly large wand out of his toothbrush and a plastic spoon which he then used to escape.  Harry Potter’s current whereabouts are unknown, our best guess is riding out that wicked PCP trip.

The typical "Light's on but nobody's home" look associated with 99.9% of Reeves' movies

Duke Savage

Los Angeles, CA

27 years after his silver screen debut, Keanu Reeves tested positive for the performance diminishing drug Dim-wittedaphederine. This rare and expensive drug has claimed the careers of many prolific actors and actresses over the last twenty years; affecting the part of the brain that connects cognitive abilities (handy in interpreting scripts) and the part that inspires humor and emotion. Among the fallen actors that have been escorted from the lime light by this terrible drug are Tom Arnold, Martin Short, Dane Cook and Jack Black. The fault does not lie entirely on these past funny-men but is partially due to the “confusing” marketing of the product. Dim-wittedaphederine comes in a package that looks very similar to the beloved fruit candy Skittles. The curveball is instead of having a tagline “Taste The Rainbow” the package reads “Become A Has-Been”. Reeves declined comment, as he is miraculously still starring in terrible movies. Lucky for us however, Tom Arnold has literally nothing better to do. “ I’ve talked to Keanu about his unfortunate fall from grace and he just gave me his signature blank stare, not seeming to be aware of it. It’s sad really.” After restraining myself from beating Arnold senseless for his nonsensical rant, I had to realize that he had somehow made a good point. How the hell would he know what he’s ingesting? It’s not like he was shooting himself full of this brain numbing drug but simply enjoying a brightly colored “pre nap time snack”. When asked if he cared about Reeves’ “doping”, Screen Actors Guild representative Steve McGuire had this to say, “Doping? Why would we give a rat’s ass if these actors are taking drugs to make them worse? If anything we should prescribe these to those actors who repetitively come out with two-hour travesties called ‘blockbusters’.” Amen Mr. McGuire. It’s clear that every actor has their last “good” movie in their careers. Jack Black’s was Tropic Thunder, Cook’s was My Best Friend’s Girl, Reeves’ was the Matrix Trilogy and Arnold should have quit after Rosanne divorced him. If these statements have an ominously biased scent to them, I challenge you to find a Tom Arnold film on any top 10 list…ANYWHERE. Finally the world can rest however; we now know why Keanu Reeves is such a bad actor. It’s not for any concussion related injury, not to be blamed on lead based paint in his childhood residence but for self medicating himself into stupidity.

Tommy

Westfield, IN

Blake Coldwater – Special Field Reporter

Last friday during lunchtime marks a turning point in history, Tommy McDonald was projected to go late in the 2nd round of the amateur kickball Association draft when Jimmy (The Leg) Wallace captain of the lunchtime team “The Bombers” decided to take a chance and pick Tommy first. The rest of the 3rd grade class was left in utter shock and frankly perplexed regarding The Leg’s decision. Playground monitor Mary Beth Williamson says “I have never seen anything like it before in my life, Tommy is always picked last for everything” when news leaked to the rest of the grades, Tommy quickly became a playground celebrity, now being approached by companies like Wheaties, Gatorade, and Spalding (the official ball supplier of the AKA) for lucrative endorsement contracts. Jealousy has now kicked in amongst the other kids and there is a rumored lockout taking place within the 3rd grade class until normal picking order is restored. In his debut match against the 4th grade girls team “The Sassy Sluggers” Tommy showed his stuff and came out with 3 homers and 4 RBI’s, his doubles stats were less impressive with zero (second base is WAY to far away). Even with his great first game performance there is still mixed feelings and only time will tell if there will be full season or if the lockout will will start before playoff season.

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