Archive for December, 2011

Not even burly, half-drunk NFL fans can get on board with Canada's most famous and probably most embarrassing export.

Duke Savage

North Pole

The “you better be good or Santa will put coal in your stocking” threat took a violent turn for the worse after the Black And Cole Coal company announced they’d be shutting their doors after providing Santa with free coal for 100 years. When forced to find a creative coal-alternative to punish the misbehaving children of the world, St. Nick went with buying out the world’s supply of Nickelback CD’s. “I figured there is nothing worse than being forced to listen to a bunch of whining Canadians on such a typically joy filled day” said Mr. Kringle over a glass of eggnog and brandy early this morning. Early reports show a large increase in clean rooms, mowed lawns and censored “potty mouths”. The greatest attrocity to arise from this Canadian skirmish is the thought of a small child in a foreign country being forced to listen to “Side of a Bullet” and associating it with America. Don’t be fooled kids, its not Americans. It’s our quiet, weird, maple syrup sipping roommate who lives upstairs.

Have you ever wondered..."where did these girls go?" They're not gone...just hibernating for the winter

Duke Savage

Eugene, OR

While touring the University of Oregon campus on a brisk (ok bone chilling) December afternoon, I felt a definite lack of  “hotness” that is typically associated with the school. After several dozen inquiries, I finally found a seventh year senior who had the answer to the mysterious disappearance of “10’s” that have been rumored to roam this rainy Northwest campus. The super super super senior in question, Ron Gazinzky, told me that it is a simple fact of hibernation that keeps the campus’ hotty stock at a minimum during the harsh Oregon winters. Apparently, somewhere deep in the University of Oregon by-laws, there is a clause that requires all girls deemed to be “dimes” to hire less attractive (no doubt more intelligent) women to attend their classes and take their tests for them. This was instated in the early 1930’s by the then President Allan Brown, to maintain a certain level of attractiveness for visiting and potential students. “It’s like November hits and all of the hot girls stop coming to class and are replaced by trolls” said Gazinzky. The hot girls can allegedly be spotted on their daily and leisurely jogs on the treadmills in the campus’ Rec Center where apparently they are displayed like goddesses in the front window; a myth to be tested on my next trip. As a precautionary measure, do not approach any “babe” during the cold months of  November-February as they may be “hibernation walking” and very cranky. So until spring, beggars can’t be choosers.

Sparky, Lieutenant General in the "Tiny Wings" division of the US Air Force studying up for his military issued training manual.

Duke Savage

Conception, Missouri

This Thursday, it was leaked that the US Air Force plans in implement a special task force in their Black Ops division. The leaked transcript revealed that a flock of 400 pigeons from New York City have been in an intense training program for the last two years. The purpose of training is to teach this winged rats, already known for a total lack of respect or fear for the human race, to dive bomb the US enemies on the battle fields. Although this is a somewhat impractical use of American resources (something we seem to be fairly efficient at), there is no denying that a high velocity turd will throw off anyone’s focus/desire to do anything but wipe the fecal matter off their face. During their trial flights, the “Tiny Wings” platoon are posting a 93% accuracy rating. As any Call of Duty fan will tell you, that is absolutely unheard of. Therefore, load up the flying crap machines and enemies beware.