Archive for June, 2012

Stanley Blackwater celebrates his newfound “favorite” team at a chic LA sports bar. It’s basically a Buffalo Wild Wings, where the wings cost $9 a piece. 

Duke Savage

Los Angeles, CA

LA fans were immensely shocked to learn the news that not only did their city have a local hockey team, but that said hockey team had just been awarded Lord Stanley’s Cup. On June 11th, “our” Kings hoisted the Stanley Cup over their head as the result of a near historic NHL playoff run. This news being somewhat unsurprising to the most casual sports fan, came as apocalyptic news to those living in the 90210. On the morning of June 12th, after the LA populous had a minute to check their Twitter accounts, the local sporting goods stores were flooded with the new “die hard” Kings fans. An unprecedented number of jerseys, hats, iPhone 4 cases and personalized license plates were purchased by the wave of fashionably late Kings fans. “We’re not entirely surprised” said Kings center Jarret Stoll. “We half expected the win to go unnoticed by the people of LA or at the most put in between the latest Kardashian update.” It comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever heard a Laker “fan” claim that “our team” is going to the ‘ship this year that LA clung to their newborn heroes like a newborn spider monkey clings to it’s mother’s breast. A record attendance was recorded at the final game of the series at a roaring 247 in the first quarter and 24,000 after the second intermission, not ironically reflecting the number of people in LA who knew the Kings existed before the month of June.

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Kate Woodward, 46, pictured here with brother Hugo Woodward and two of their twenty cats, Freckles and Butterscotch.

Duke Savage

San Francisco, CA

It was a somber day in downtown San Francisco today, as they mourned the loss of their friend and fellow feline lover, Kate Woodward. Kate was pronounced deceased in her San Francisco apartment or as it was known throughout the local cat community as “kitty play land”. Woodward, 46, is succeeded by her 20 “life partners”, Mittens, Coco, Butterscotch and Freckles, to name a few. Per her final wishes, Woodward’s estate will be left to her eldest feline friend, Butterscotch. Unfortunately Butterscotch declined comment, however did cough up a sizable fur ball and delivered what seemed to be a dead mouse to the feet of Cucumber photographer Maverick Rodgers. The contents of Woodward’s apartment as well as the official cause of death can be summarized as a Friskies Fancy Nightmare. All bottlecaps and scratch posts aside, Woodward died just months short of publishing her sixth novel surrounding the mysterious field of cat whispering, the working title of which was “What are your cat’s farts telling you?” When asked to reflect on the passing of his sister, Hugo Woodward, 44, was quoted as saying “I’m not that upset really, I’ve always been more of a dog person anyway.”