Archive for July, 2012

Howard seen here in his indecisive “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” pose; a recent favorite.

Duke Savage

New York, NY

After holding the sports world hostage for more than two months now, Dwight Howard has finally made up his precious mind on where he’d like to play. It’s not South Beach, it’s not Houston, it’s not Brooklyn but it DOES come with a New York ZIP code. Howard just signed a 1 year $24 million deal with the WNBA’s New York Liberty. Although this contract doesn’t come with Jay-Z or the über billionaire Russian owner but it does come with a locker room chalk filled with tampons and as much Midol as he could ever need. Howard’s agent was quoted Wednesday saying “Dwight is excited to start a new career in a new league. Sure there’s some question whether a man who is 6′ 11″ 285 pounds and build like clydesdale should play with a bunch of women…but there’s always skeptics.” Whether Howard signs an extension with the Liberty after this year or decides to be a grown up and accepts that his NBA future isn’t based on his whims, remains to be seen. As always, we here at the Cucumber Periodicals strive to be objective with our reporting…but this unprecedented display of immaturity has made ever break up in history look like an elegant tea party. Pinky’s out Dwight…pinky’s out.

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That’s right folks…skating counts, sleeping counts and unfortunate for some, size counts. Nike steps into a new frontier with their upcoming release of the Nike+ Fuelband Sex Guide

Eugene, OR

Duke Savage

After Nike released their high tech Fuelband early this June, it was clear that it’s effects would spread passed the realm of sport. Thats right, Nike has unlatched the proverbial chastity belt and has developed and plans on releasing it’s own sex guide; focused on which positions generate its user the most “Fuel points”. Although, Nike is being a you-know-what block about the book’s details, we here at The Cucumber Periodicals were able to obtain a small preview of the book that has the potential to make 50 Shades of Grey look like Mother Goose.

Exerpt from Nike+ Fueldband Sex Guide:

” “Noobs”

Missionary- Men: 314 Fuel points

Doggy Style- Men: 291 Fuel points (three ass slaps included)

Girl on Top- Men: 154 Fuel points

Although you may feel like you’re doing a lot, let’s admit it fellas, we don’t supply much as far as the love making process. As long as we don’t fall asleep, slip into a coma or cause any sort of catastrophe…all goes well. (Although female Fuel points have not been accounted for, they are assumed to be at least two or three times higher than their male counter parts.)

“Aspiring Adult Film Stars”

Reverse Cowgirl- Men: 320 Fuel points

Shower Sex- Men: 450 Fuel points

Laying Doggy Style- Men: 334 Fuel points

Go ahead and bump the difficulty rating up to a 6 because even though you may feel like Adonis, you’re just giving slightly than the minimum effort. Granted, your partner will no doubt appreciate the increased effort, there’s another echelon you can reach, go for it; it’s worth the points you lazy bastard.

“Borderline Sex God”

Trapeze Artist- Men: 832 Fuel points

Flying Squirrel Monkey- Men: 729 Fuel points

“Knock-Knock Who’s There?”- Men: 645 Fuel points (add 300 for a long apology letter, a dozen roses and breakfast in bed)

First off, we’ve never heard of these positions either. Our research team spent the entire afternoon looking these up on Urban Dictionary and we encourage you to do the same. Not only will you be a first ballot “pipe laying” hall of famer, you’ll get the official Cucumber Stamp of approval and have more Fuel points than the entire USA Olympic armada.”

With a rumored release date of Valentine’s Day 2013, Nike is further encouraging it’s customers to #MakeItCount.

You know how people always say “That guy must have a small (insert slang word for penis here)”? Well studies show, that assumption is spot on.

Duke Savage

Somewhere in Indiana

Doctors at Indiana University School of Medicine announced Wednesday that they are only months away from making a scientific connection between penis size and truck size. “It has always been rumored that there is an inverse correlation between the lift/color of a man’s truck and the size of his thunder stick” said IU doctor Terry Weeks. The study entitled “Angle of The Dangle” seems to be nearing an end after nearly two years of research involving volunteers owning obscenely large trucks. “We all know it’s true” said Joe DeMars, pictured atop this article next to his lifted Ford F150 he so cheekily named “The Thunder From Down Under”. “It’s an unspoken agreement that for every inch you lift your truck, you lack an inch in the loins.”Although the study has taken many hits from the ALBMTA (American Lifted Badass Mofo Truck Association) for being done under false pretenses, medical professionals everywhere are basking in the reverie of science from the seats of their comfortably low BMW 5 series’. Here’s to a world where “breathing diesel exhaust blowing obnoxiously through your drivers side window” is a thing of the past.