Archive for January, 2014

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Duke Savage
Sissipoo Falls, Nova Scotia, Canada

As the Justin Bieber deportation petition garners it’s 100,000th signature, the American people are forced to turn it’s back on such childish issues as disappearing retirement funds, a confusing healthcare debate and a economy in the toilet and focus on the Biebs. 6 days after his arrest for suspicion of drunk driving and the day he was arrested for assaulting a limo driver, Beliebers are faced with the fate of their messiah on the line. Although the importance of Bieber’s American citizenship doesn’t rank high for almost everyone, a recent poll has shown Canadians’ number of f*%ks given. It’s hovering near zero. “Him? Damnit I thought we for rid of him. Our country has had two idiots, Bieber and Dudley Douchebag. At least Disney made a decent movie out of Dudley” said Sissipoo’s Samuel Brown. The bright side of Bieber’s impending struggle is some countries have volunteered a safe haven for the heart throb. Cameroon has had many suggest their’s might be a welcomed home. “His music is terrible….but we love beavers” says Cameroon’s Eric Osei. This just goes to show that no matter the lack of regard one has for the lives of others, no matter how pompous one man can get, someone somewhere will take him in and make fun of him. We at the Cucumber our only hope is wherever he lands, people will continue to shower him with insults and the malign Americans have willingly handed out.

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Duke Savage
San Francisco, CA

A local coffee shop was given the key to the city Monday for it’s aggressive policy to keep patrons from Instagramming their food and simply eat it. “I don’t understand the ‘food porn’ phenomenon” said owner John Jackson. “My friends and I don’t show pictures to each other, we just say ‘damn, that was good.'” This action has been taken after Jackson received multiple complaints that his food wasn’t “as good as it looked on Instagram.” Although these claims have been proven to be ridiculous, Jackson decided to take action. His method involves a day old bagel and what’s leftover from his minor league pitching career. Over the two weeks of the rule’s enforcement, three concussions have been handed out along, fifteen near misses and a 1.37 ERA. This brave movement to counteract our dependence of social media and technology and will not go unnoticed. The world’s out here folks.

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Duke Savage
San Francisco, CA

As the advertising blow out of the year draws nearer, Super Bowl predictions are easier to come by than horny moms at a Bieber concert (who is a Hall of doucher for the record). We at the Cucumber, after a long sabbatical (blind drunk bender), take our sports opinions very seriously. Therefore we’ve gathered our intel and have come up with these bold predictions.

1. Peyton Manning’s head will fall off
Although Manning has set the pigskin world ablaze with his record setting performance this year, there is no denying age and the toll a season takes on an old man’s body. His neck, now held together by a stick of juicy fruit and a slice of Poppa John’s, is currently a lock in Vegas to fall off; for those wondering, money is riding on during the halftime performance.

2. The weather is going to suck
Not much to add. Mother Nature is a raging bitch and New Jersey/New York has racked up more than enough bad karma points to piss her the eff off. Buckle up Pauly D.

3. Pete Carrol will act like a bipolar surfer

Yes he plays one on one with his players. Yes he plays hip hop during practices. But the glaring truth is that he LOVES the attention of being different and honestly, more power to him. He’s throwing up the shaka it times of triumph and uttering Dashboard Confessional when things go south. Pick one Pete.

4. Seahawks sneak to last second W

After the extensive research of our sports division (45 pizzas and 200 games of Madden) it has been decided that is a 76.9% chance the Hawks win on Marshawn Lynch recovering a fumble from Hustle and Bustle Russell Wilson as time expires. Why so confident Lynch? Because he’s ingested so much sugar from the skittles eaten in this playoff run, that sugar high will make him stupid fast.