Archive for February, 2014

toilet seatDuke Savage

Slicklizzard, AL

An Alabama judge will rule this week on one a debate that has left millions of marriages at a stand still; the never ending fighting over the resting position of a toilet seat. Joe Lancebomber, will face prosecution from a civil action suit brought forth by his wife Beverly, for injuries and mental damages from an injury sustained on the couples’ porcelain throne. Beverly experienced the injury thanks to her husbands alleged “negligence” at 1:35 a.m. Saturday morning during a routine late night “tinkle”. The judge in question, honorable Gerald Blinker, was quoted as saying “This is a stinky situation. This argument goes back as far as the famous chicken/road debacle.” Mr. Lancebomber faces up to a $4,000 fine, 90 days probation and a punishment of being Alabama’s rival LSU’s mascot for the 2014-2015 college football season. Lawyers from both sides have slung mud back and forth in a manner that would make Johnny Cochran blush. The phrase that is leaving Blinker perplexed is synonymous with the issue; “How hard is it to put the seat down?” Although this is a seemingly insurmountable hurdle,  80 year-old scientific evidence was provided by the defense states that putting the seat down takes a remarkably menial .009 lbs of pressure; leaving the debate leaning towards the fairer sex. Don’t get those “I told you so” fingers out quite yet ladies, a remarkable break through from up and coming Cal Tech scientist Marcus Dingle may leave this argument in the…well…crapper. Dingle, better known to his friends as Barry, discovered that it takes EQUAL pressure to raise the toilet seat UP as it does DOWN. Judge Blinker is scheduled to announce his decision Friday but all signs point towards Mr. Lancebomber walking away unscathed. This hopeful reporter saves faith that Blinker will come to his senses and let bygones be bygones. So how much effort does it take to put the toilet seat up? Just as much as it does to put it back up when you’re done ladies.

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Duke Savage

Sochi, Russia

As a part of the gang of displaced media covering the 2014 Olympics hosted in Sochi, the local drunk informed this reporter that the town was connected to the notorious conman/developer George Bluth, Sr. As with his secret contract with Saddam Hussein for building a tract of low end fake homes in Iraq, Bluth and Putin struck an agreement to build Sochi at 1/100th of the $51 billion allotted for the Olympic budget. This lays to rest all of the questions about missing door handles, light fixtures, shower curtains and the bathroom surveillance. In complete Bluth fashion, a few small corners were cut; walls left unfinished, toilets that can’t handle toilet paper (but there are garbage cans provided for the shit stained paper), rabid dogs or construction workers laying in hotel beds or doors left eerily open for no apparent reason, the entire town of Sochi is thrown together like a 5th grade science project. Bluth, who is known for galavanting with the who’s who of the world’s oppressive playboys, was the first one to introduce Putin to bear wrestling; something that has Putin has made his calling card in the past weeks. The IOC was unable to be reached for comment on this matter, however we were able to meet with the IOC president’s cousin’s babysitter’s neighbor Rufus Beltsnatch who said “Yea they’re in a hot mess. That Bluth fella really left them up shit creek without a paddle.” As a notice to the IOC, next time you choose a location for the WINTER Olympics, aim for a place that has naturally occurring snow (somewhat of a staple for all winter sports), that isn’t in the armpit of a terrorist ridden area of the world, and a place that won’t piss away $51 BILLION and 7 years to slap together a shanty town to host the best athletes in the world.