Archive for May, 2014

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Similar to Austin Powers, San Antonio Spurs minority owner Samuel Simon had some trouble “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl”. Unfortunately for Simon, much like Donald Sterling, his privacy was breached by a wretched woman. Other than fearing for Mr. Simon’s intestinal durability, this writer fears that nothing is private in the world of 2014.

Duke Savage

Dallas, TX

In the wake of the Donald Sterling shit show, the NBA owners are all on edge with regards to the skeletons in their respective closets. An audio tape floated up Tuesday morning whose contents were incriminating of yet another NBA leader but this time it was Samuel Simon, minority owner of the San Antonio Spurs. Simon’s girlfriend Natasha Petrova released a tape to Deadspin revealing a personal struggle Simon had late Monday night. Simon, who had been struggling to pass what was left of a Texas Roadhouse Steak Tips plate. “It’s really just muddled grunts and pleas to God for support” said NBA investigator Alex Trimmle, “It was a lot like the scene from Austin Powers, he just had to bite his lip and give it hell.” Many of his fellow owners have spoken out in support of Simon, offering digestive suggestions as well as names of gastrointestinal specialists from the area. Simon’s representatives have released a brief statement regarding Mr. Simon’s intestinal fortitude. “Mr. Simon, as well as the Spurs organization, regret the audio that was released yesterday. We are deeply saddened by Mr. Simon’s struggles and are here to provide any push or support needed by Mr. Simon.” This recent scandal is a skid mark on an otherwise pearly white public record of the Spurs organization. This second thought-to-be-private moment that was recorded and released to the public, sets the rest of the owners on notice, nothing is sacred…not even the porcelain thinking chair. On the bright side, all signs point to the fact that Mr. Simon did wash his hands before returning to his court-side seats.