Archive for July, 2014

ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC...but not the one you're thinking of...

ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC…but not the one you’re thinking of…

Duke Savage

Washington, DC

As the NBA season comes creeping ever closer, the talks about the 2015-16 free agent class has already begun churning, with Kevin Durant’s future leading the charge. Although many have speculated that the hiring of Durant’s one time high school coach Randy Wittman could draw Durant to the Wizards, the team he grew up rooting for as a child. Sure, the Cucumber has hedged their bets on an NBA star making the transition to the WNBA (see past article on the Dwight Howard free agent travesty) and SURE we at the Cucumber were miles from being correct but here we have a somewhat substantial lead. Ryen Russillo, NBA inside and ESPN Radio host of the SVP & Russillo radio show (side note: greatest sports show of all time), tweeted out Wednesday that he believes the other team in DC could hold the lead in the Durant sweepstakes. This tweet by Russillo could be assumed to go along with Russillo’s stunning record of all-star sarcasm, but we at the Cucumber believe every lead is credible and anything tweeted out should be handled with the utmost seriousness. The Mystics, Washington’s WNBA squad who sits second in the Eastern Conference, would more than welcome the added height as their tallest player is 6’5″, Durant’s lanky 6’9″ frame. If Durant were to break the “gender barrier”, he would clearly be the first but would most likely open the door for many other stars to make the leap into the WNBA. We at the Cucumber would love to thank Mr. Russillo and his show for the tip on Durant’s pending free agency and urge them to keep up the cutting edge insight. 

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Drizzy proudly trades in his red and white of the Miami Heat for the burgundy and gold of the Cleveland Cavs.

Drizzy proudly trades in his red and white of the Miami Heat for the burgundy and gold of the Cleveland Cavs. As spots open up for Cavaliers pre and post game entertainment, Drake is exercising all possibles “ins” into the Cavalier organization.

 

Duke Savage

Cleveland, OH

Two weeks after LeBron James jostled the NBA East’s makeup by re-relocating back to Cleveland, a less publicized announcement happened that deserves some attention. Thanks to his well publicized affinity for hitching his wagon to the hottest teams/stars in popular sports, hip hop artist Drake decided that he, also, is heading to Cleveland. With his close “friendship” with both John Football as well as King James himself, Drake’s transition to a “lifelong Cleveland fan” shouldn’t surprise anyone. Drake’s flip-flopping allegiances puts him along side Manziel and James for the renewal of the Ohio economy as well as its’ sports fandom. “The weeks leading up to Bron’s decision was tough on Drizzy” says Patrick “P-Body” Benson. “Drizzy’s a Miami dude at heart, a Toronto hero at heart and a Cleveland lover at heart. Dude has a pretty big heart.” Although  having Drake on the sideline provides the Cavs with no legitimate benefits, many Cleveland fans are rejoicing the new additions to famous Cleveland celebrities in their original and pieced together LeBron jerseys. Although Cleveland’s head coach David Blatt was unable to be reached for a comment, a source told The Cucumber that Blatt is quite confused as to who Drake actually is. “Coach Blatt has absolutely no clue who Drake is or why everyone is so excited.” Other than bringing a few more twenty-something idiots to the Cavs games, Drizzy’s spokespeople have said he’s excited to bring a little more “swag” to Cleveland. While many Clevelanders await Drake’s first ever Cavs’ and Browns’ games this year, even more await the opportunity to make fun of how hopelessly pathetic the artists’ bandwagoning mentality is. From sports fans everywhere, please, go away Drake…..please.