Archive for the ‘Apocalypse Type News’ Category

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Duke Savage

Sochi, Russia

As a part of the gang of displaced media covering the 2014 Olympics hosted in Sochi, the local drunk informed this reporter that the town was connected to the notorious conman/developer George Bluth, Sr. As with his secret contract with Saddam Hussein for building a tract of low end fake homes in Iraq, Bluth and Putin struck an agreement to build Sochi at 1/100th of the $51 billion allotted for the Olympic budget. This lays to rest all of the questions about missing door handles, light fixtures, shower curtains and the bathroom surveillance. In complete Bluth fashion, a few small corners were cut; walls left unfinished, toilets that can’t handle toilet paper (but there are garbage cans provided for the shit stained paper), rabid dogs or construction workers laying in hotel beds or doors left eerily open for no apparent reason, the entire town of Sochi is thrown together like a 5th grade science project. Bluth, who is known for galavanting with the who’s who of the world’s oppressive playboys, was the first one to introduce Putin to bear wrestling; something that has Putin has made his calling card in the past weeks. The IOC was unable to be reached for comment on this matter, however we were able to meet with the IOC president’s cousin’s babysitter’s neighbor Rufus Beltsnatch who said “Yea they’re in a hot mess. That Bluth fella really left them up shit creek without a paddle.” As a notice to the IOC, next time you choose a location for the WINTER Olympics, aim for a place that has naturally occurring snow (somewhat of a staple for all winter sports), that isn’t in the armpit of a terrorist ridden area of the world, and a place that won’t piss away $51 BILLION and 7 years to slap together a shanty town to host the best athletes in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen…meet Driicky Graham. No we didn’t spell that wrong, his name is DRIICKY and he needs to be stopped at all costs

Duke Savage

Some Stinky Club, CA

After a series of unfortunately poor life choices, this reporter found himself in a trendy hip hop club in a town, that shall remain unnamed, when the most atrocious and drastic attack on everything musical came blaring through the oversized speakers. It was Driicky Graham’s newest (and hopefully only) single entitled “Snapbacks and Tattoos”. Much to my relief, I was not the only person offended to the core by this heap of a song. A handful of decorated scientists at the Copenhagen Institute of Music are hard at work and have come up with enough substantial evidence to show that “Snapbacks and Tattoos” is in fact, the worst thing to happen to the musical world since William Hung. In a special press release made by the committee early this morning they encourage “Citizens to take matters into their own hands.” They go on to prompt passers by to, “bitch slap anyone you hear playing this song, humming it, or wearing a snapback with a bro tank revealing their tattoos (if said person is of smaller stature than yourself, otherwise a group effort is needed”; their words not mine. So stand beside me, my fellow music lovers, and do the world and our future generations a favor…and keep your pimp hand strong.

That’s right folks…skating counts, sleeping counts and unfortunate for some, size counts. Nike steps into a new frontier with their upcoming release of the Nike+ Fuelband Sex Guide

Eugene, OR

Duke Savage

After Nike released their high tech Fuelband early this June, it was clear that it’s effects would spread passed the realm of sport. Thats right, Nike has unlatched the proverbial chastity belt and has developed and plans on releasing it’s own sex guide; focused on which positions generate its user the most “Fuel points”. Although, Nike is being a you-know-what block about the book’s details, we here at The Cucumber Periodicals were able to obtain a small preview of the book that has the potential to make 50 Shades of Grey look like Mother Goose.

Exerpt from Nike+ Fueldband Sex Guide:

” “Noobs”

Missionary- Men: 314 Fuel points

Doggy Style- Men: 291 Fuel points (three ass slaps included)

Girl on Top- Men: 154 Fuel points

Although you may feel like you’re doing a lot, let’s admit it fellas, we don’t supply much as far as the love making process. As long as we don’t fall asleep, slip into a coma or cause any sort of catastrophe…all goes well. (Although female Fuel points have not been accounted for, they are assumed to be at least two or three times higher than their male counter parts.)

“Aspiring Adult Film Stars”

Reverse Cowgirl- Men: 320 Fuel points

Shower Sex- Men: 450 Fuel points

Laying Doggy Style- Men: 334 Fuel points

Go ahead and bump the difficulty rating up to a 6 because even though you may feel like Adonis, you’re just giving slightly than the minimum effort. Granted, your partner will no doubt appreciate the increased effort, there’s another echelon you can reach, go for it; it’s worth the points you lazy bastard.

“Borderline Sex God”

Trapeze Artist- Men: 832 Fuel points

Flying Squirrel Monkey- Men: 729 Fuel points

“Knock-Knock Who’s There?”- Men: 645 Fuel points (add 300 for a long apology letter, a dozen roses and breakfast in bed)

First off, we’ve never heard of these positions either. Our research team spent the entire afternoon looking these up on Urban Dictionary and we encourage you to do the same. Not only will you be a first ballot “pipe laying” hall of famer, you’ll get the official Cucumber Stamp of approval and have more Fuel points than the entire USA Olympic armada.”

With a rumored release date of Valentine’s Day 2013, Nike is further encouraging it’s customers to #MakeItCount.

This Eskimo woman allowed me to photograph her once she had emptied her whipped cream can and knocked out a few too many

Duke Savage

Nuuk, Greenland

Although there are many popular theories on the origins of Global Warming, most of which blaming the burning of fossil fuels and our culture’s dependence on them. However, on a walk home from Nuuk’s finest drinking establishment, I found the real answer. In the alley way between It’s Cold As Balls Way and Hypothermia Avenue I found a group of 65 Eskimos spraying a wide range of aerosol cans into the air. This not only struck me as a ridiculous group activity for Eskimos but also a wild waste of Greenland’s supply of spray paint, bathroom cleaners and Axe Body Scents. When I approached the spraying crazies, they immediately stopped their spraying and claimed they were “simply making a mural”. After making a comment along the lines of “Either you’re using invisible paint or you guys should stick to Vin Diesel movies and finger painting” I was surrounded by these Eskimos and beaten senseless. I awoke the next morning with a unmatched fervor to find out the reason for this CFC party. An Inuit woman I had become friends with informed me that this was their way of “sticking it to the man”. When I probed further and asked who this “man” was, she replied with “The idiot that named the ice covered continent Greenland and the green one Iceland. That guy needs to pay.” After I agreed with Iglopuk, my Inuit nagojut (friend), I pointed out some flaw in her logic. I pointed out that not only would this idiot suffer but so would the rest of the world that agrees he struggles with naming. She seemed unaffected by this comment, took another whip it and said “We’re tired of this cold weather. These parkas look comfortable and amazing but we’re all in desperate need of a tan. We want some sunshine and 75 degree weather.” So instead of blaming the insensitive SUV owners for the rising sea levels and vanishing ice caps point the blame at these spray happy Eskimos.

Mother Nature shedding her motherly habits and laying down the law

Duke Savage

Eugene, OR

 

It is no secret that Mother Nature is becoming increasingly upset with the way her tenants (aka the human race) has been trashing her rental. Although there is rarely a smooth or easy going relationship between tenant and landlord however this particular relationship has become stressful to say the least. “I’m fuckin’ sick of it!” said the ever fruitful and frugal Mother Nature in an interview last week. “It’s like a bunch of frat boys running through all of the free beer you’ve given them and then coming back begging for more.” Mother Nature had a similar run-in with her one time tenants once known as the Mayans. Being known for their infamous calendar that gives the human race until the year 2012 until literally all h-e-double toothpicks breaks loose. “The Mayans believed that this was when the heavens would destroy man kind, however, recent developments point to the fact that Mother Nature has given us our eviction notice a few centuries in advance” said German scientist Agnes Gottschalk. Whether or not you believe that the world is going to end in the year 2012, there is one thing that can’t be denied…SHE IS PISSED! “I’ll teach those ‘people’ a lesson one of these days. I brought you into this world and I can sure as hell take you out!” said the Mother of all Mothers. So take for the next 17 months, experts predict that the human race will party like 19 year old college students and “trash the place”. As for other homo sapiens, we think a last minute attempt to salvage an extra few centuries out of this lease. My solution: weekly Earth Days and many many Native American rain dances.