Archive for the ‘Business’ Category

This very light switch is the caused Viagra to fall on.....hard......times

Duke Savage

Intercourse, AL (it’s a real place trust me!)

Earlier this morning, The Cucumber Periodicals received an email from one of our loyal readers containing the above shown image and the shocking news that pharmaceutical power house and house wive favorite, Viagra, is being sued for their overly aggressive new ad campaign. Previous campaigns for this and many other companies specializing in erectile dysfunction medications have been known to make vulgar references to the male genitalia during moments of frustratingly difficult intimate relations. Thankfully, this attempt to blend “street art” with their important and simple message resulted in the mental anguish of only one tender mind. “I was the first to use the lady’s room at work this morning and so naturally, I had to turn on the lights” said Mona Lipizzaner. Ms. Lipizzaner is the Manager at the Victoria’s Secret in Intercourse’s mall. Why would Viagra target this market? That is a fantastic question and one that we may never know. When I approached Viagra’s CEO Ike Goldshlitz, he promptly brushed me off and continued to his new Bentley coupe followed by his wife and her large number of Victoria’s Secret bags. Whether this was an intended advertising strategy, a desperate form of revenge by an unsatisfied wife or a daring young artist who shares a name with a mega corporation, it was a HARD choice to make and it was sure to scare Ms. Lipizzaner STIFF.

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Tommy

Westfield, IN

Blake Coldwater – Special Field Reporter

Last friday during lunchtime marks a turning point in history, Tommy McDonald was projected to go late in the 2nd round of the amateur kickball Association draft when Jimmy (The Leg) Wallace captain of the lunchtime team “The Bombers” decided to take a chance and pick Tommy first. The rest of the 3rd grade class was left in utter shock and frankly perplexed regarding The Leg’s decision. Playground monitor Mary Beth Williamson says “I have never seen anything like it before in my life, Tommy is always picked last for everything” when news leaked to the rest of the grades, Tommy quickly became a playground celebrity, now being approached by companies like Wheaties, Gatorade, and Spalding (the official ball supplier of the AKA) for lucrative endorsement contracts. Jealousy has now kicked in amongst the other kids and there is a rumored lockout taking place within the 3rd grade class until normal picking order is restored. In his debut match against the 4th grade girls team “The Sassy Sluggers” Tommy showed his stuff and came out with 3 homers and 4 RBI’s, his doubles stats were less impressive with zero (second base is WAY to far away). Even with his great first game performance there is still mixed feelings and only time will tell if there will be full season or if the lockout will will start before playoff season.

-In Related News

General Mills struggling financially due to increased cereal consumption by recent athlete acquisition.

Although this baby appears to be on a ride-along with Mommy, she is actually on the shopping list.

Duke Savage

Climax, SC

After much speculation and gossip among the wholesale community, Newton Stonebreeze, East Coast Regional Manager for Buy A Lot, made the announcement in his weekly staff meeting. “To put the rumors to rest, it is true that we are expanding our already immense variety. We have decided to add a Children section to some of our stores.” Although this sounds like a department dedicated to Osh Kosh onesies, inflatable slip’n’slides and Barney boxed sets, it is an animal of a completely different nature. Buy A Lot is taking the unconventional plunge into children sales. As with everything else in Buy A Lot, the more you buy the greater the savings. For example, if the Octamom had been patient enough, she could have saved herself the immense pain and emotional stress of birthing 8 children for $500. The idea originally came about when Buy A Lot employee Steve Colgate decided he wanted to be a father but did not have the ability to do so. “I have always wanted to be a father but I am completely incapable of attracting a woman” said Colgate. Admittedly an impatient man, Colgate thought about adoption but could not bring himself to fill out the lengthy application. This department is being met with mixed reviews from Buy A Lot faithfuls. Mary-Lou Block, a 15 year Buy A Lot member, is outraged. “Selling children hasn’t been done for a reason…IT’S WRONG!” Great point Mrs. Block, however as we all know, Americans look for anyway to spend their money on unconventional and somewhat unethical products. Buy A Lot bigwigs are expecting the new department to explode and never turn back. As intriguing and unique as this expansion is, the question on many consumer’s minds remains. “What’s your return policy?” In an attempt to get the ball rolling, Buy A Lot is offering a buy one get three free promotion to new members. Get them while they’re hot America, it won’t be long ’till Congress aka “The Fun Police” get a hold of this one!

Wall Street workers scrambling for shares from Human Trafficking giant.

Blake Coldwater – Special Field Reporter

Talent, OR

The human trafficking business took a huge hit last year. CEO of industry giant The Boys & Girls Club was shocked with their sudden 13% decrease in stock value last year. However, He remains confident that with their recent IPO they will bounce back in glorious fashion. As a matter of fact, business has increased and things seem to be back on track at the start of FY12. When interviewed last Thursday CEO John Mathers said this “we are pleased with quick turn around. Our PR and Brand marketing teams have been working around the clock to gain back our stellar public image”.  Also, while speaking with Mathers we learned that the corporation has employed new recruiting tactics geared towards young women that Mathers referred to as “Game Changers”. Mathers politely declined to share those with the general public in fear of “Copy Cats”.  While the rest of the economy is still trying to find its way back to prosperity,  It seems that the human trafficking industry has had a breakthrough. Local enthusiast and long time customer of the Boys & Girls Club had this to say “I think other companies could learn a lot from the Boys & Girls Club, they seem to have things figured out. Now if  only the rest of corporate America could just figure their shit out maybe we could get our economy out of the toilet”. If you are interested in learning more about the recent successes of the Boys & Girls Club, and steps that you can take to help with the effort you can subscribe to their blog directly from their website.

In Related News:

Mathers is currently looking for interns who would like to gain valuable industry experience in a growing company that shows great promise and room for advancement. Please send your Application to Talent Oregon City Hall.

“do you think that’s going to be enough time” what many people are asking about Blackcats risky savings strategy

Everywhere, Texas

With the state of the current economy, budget constraints for many businesses and corporations are becoming much more evident, none though made more noise than Blackcats extreme budget cut on fuse length. CEO of Blackcat Fireworks Neil Barclay stated firmly in his press release early Tuesday morning wielding a glass of what Barclay claimed was iced tea, “Here’s the deal, we’ve had a lot of lawyers and hospital bills repeatedly sent our way, but people just need to figure out that fireworks are dangerous, you mess with the CAT, you’re gonna get burned” in reference to the company’s most highly explosive line of semi-illegal fireworks CAT, which saw the harshest of the fuse budget cuts. This July fourth weekend had Texas hospitals reporting a record-breaking number of fingers blown off, up an astonishing 8 percent from what some medical professionals would already refer to as “an outragious number of fingers”, as well facial gunpowder burns and singed eyebrows were up 56 percent. Barclay denied to tie the undeniably strong medical evidence to that of his outrageously large fuse budget cuts, simply shrugging off the unidentified persons question, with his hand in a sweeping motion across the podium saying “next”. Barclay soon stumbled off after downing his iced tea, leaving interrogations to his VP of public relations, who was slammed with a barrage of serious legal questions for nearly four and a half hours. Timothy Roy Timmins 19, local of Dustbin trailer park which saw a good proportion of severe explosion related amputations was quoted by press when leaving Memorial hospital on the 4th with six reattached fingers speaking with enthusiasm “those fuses are wicked short this year!”. Texas still remains firmly seated as the finger blowing off capital of North America.

In entirely related news trailer park fires saw an insane 114 percent increase.

Senior Anchor,

Jonathan Cooper