Archive for the ‘Douchebagery’ Category

Drizzy proudly trades in his red and white of the Miami Heat for the burgundy and gold of the Cleveland Cavs.

Drizzy proudly trades in his red and white of the Miami Heat for the burgundy and gold of the Cleveland Cavs. As spots open up for Cavaliers pre and post game entertainment, Drake is exercising all possibles “ins” into the Cavalier organization.


Duke Savage

Cleveland, OH

Two weeks after LeBron James jostled the NBA East’s makeup by re-relocating back to Cleveland, a less publicized announcement happened that deserves some attention. Thanks to his well publicized affinity for hitching his wagon to the hottest teams/stars in popular sports, hip hop artist Drake decided that he, also, is heading to Cleveland. With his close “friendship” with both John Football as well as King James himself, Drake’s transition to a “lifelong Cleveland fan” shouldn’t surprise anyone. Drake’s flip-flopping allegiances puts him along side Manziel and James for the renewal of the Ohio economy as well as its’ sports fandom. “The weeks leading up to Bron’s decision was tough on Drizzy” says Patrick “P-Body” Benson. “Drizzy’s a Miami dude at heart, a Toronto hero at heart and a Cleveland lover at heart. Dude has a pretty big heart.” Although  having Drake on the sideline provides the Cavs with no legitimate benefits, many Cleveland fans are rejoicing the new additions to famous Cleveland celebrities in their original and pieced together LeBron jerseys. Although Cleveland’s head coach David Blatt was unable to be reached for a comment, a source told The Cucumber that Blatt is quite confused as to who Drake actually is. “Coach Blatt has absolutely no clue who Drake is or why everyone is so excited.” Other than bringing a few more twenty-something idiots to the Cavs games, Drizzy’s spokespeople have said he’s excited to bring a little more “swag” to Cleveland. While many Clevelanders await Drake’s first ever Cavs’ and Browns’ games this year, even more await the opportunity to make fun of how hopelessly pathetic the artists’ bandwagoning mentality is. From sports fans everywhere, please, go away Drake…..please.

For the first Annual Happy Gilmore Classic, all formal normalities and guidelines of golf are farted into the wind. WARNING: Old crotchety gallery members: there will be fun at this event...if you are opposed/allergic please consult your physician before attending.

For the first Annual Happy Gilmore Open, all formal normalities and guidelines of golf are farted into the wind. WARNING: Old crotchety gallery members: there will be fun at this event…if you are opposed/allergic please consult your physician before attending.

Duke Savage

Savannah, Georgia

In a desperate move to regain some of the once loyal younger demographic, the PGA has generated a new and alternative event inspired by the Hollywood shenanigans of Happy Gilmore. After television ratings took a dramatic slide following the “Tiger-Free” Masters won by Bubba Watson, PGA Special Events Administrator James Hutchinson devised this promotional Gilmore Open. “Let’s face it, golf is really boring to watch. From the overzealous announcers, to the pompous gallery onlookers all the way up to the frilly club covers; golf needs a kick start”, said Hutchinson. The intention of the event is to make the atmosphere as close to the “sex, drugs and rock’n’roll” mentality that Gilmore embodied. The typically regal and boring announcers will be replaced with Fear Factor’s Joe Rogan, a cocaine infused Carrot Top and NFL legend Bill Romanowski to cover the sideline reporting. This, of course, culminating in the highest steroid aggregate of any golf announcing trio in the Tour’s history. Contestants are encouraged to carry at least one worn down hockey stick in their bags, abandon their current caddies for a more homeless alternative, be under the influence of at least one substance and to forcibly “place” their clubs in as many hazards as possible. Although some golf diehards are snubbing their nose at the idea of the idea of change, many of the younger demographic are “fuggin psyched” about the new development. “Fights, drugs and sex in the gallery? It’s like a lubricant free version of wrestling! Plus it gives us a reason to day drink…who doesn’t like that?” one underaged anonymous fan was quoted as saying. Although not confirmed, there have been rumors of appearances of both Shooter McGavin as well as Bob Barker; however Barker’s representatives have been disgruntled over compensation for the legendary TV personality. (Insert “Price is Right” joke here).

toilet seatDuke Savage

Slicklizzard, AL

An Alabama judge will rule this week on one a debate that has left millions of marriages at a stand still; the never ending fighting over the resting position of a toilet seat. Joe Lancebomber, will face prosecution from a civil action suit brought forth by his wife Beverly, for injuries and mental damages from an injury sustained on the couples’ porcelain throne. Beverly experienced the injury thanks to her husbands alleged “negligence” at 1:35 a.m. Saturday morning during a routine late night “tinkle”. The judge in question, honorable Gerald Blinker, was quoted as saying “This is a stinky situation. This argument goes back as far as the famous chicken/road debacle.” Mr. Lancebomber faces up to a $4,000 fine, 90 days probation and a punishment of being Alabama’s rival LSU’s mascot for the 2014-2015 college football season. Lawyers from both sides have slung mud back and forth in a manner that would make Johnny Cochran blush. The phrase that is leaving Blinker perplexed is synonymous with the issue; “How hard is it to put the seat down?” Although this is a seemingly insurmountable hurdle,  80 year-old scientific evidence was provided by the defense states that putting the seat down takes a remarkably menial .009 lbs of pressure; leaving the debate leaning towards the fairer sex. Don’t get those “I told you so” fingers out quite yet ladies, a remarkable break through from up and coming Cal Tech scientist Marcus Dingle may leave this argument in the…well…crapper. Dingle, better known to his friends as Barry, discovered that it takes EQUAL pressure to raise the toilet seat UP as it does DOWN. Judge Blinker is scheduled to announce his decision Friday but all signs point towards Mr. Lancebomber walking away unscathed. This hopeful reporter saves faith that Blinker will come to his senses and let bygones be bygones. So how much effort does it take to put the toilet seat up? Just as much as it does to put it back up when you’re done ladies.


Duke Savage
Sissipoo Falls, Nova Scotia, Canada

As the Justin Bieber deportation petition garners it’s 100,000th signature, the American people are forced to turn it’s back on such childish issues as disappearing retirement funds, a confusing healthcare debate and a economy in the toilet and focus on the Biebs. 6 days after his arrest for suspicion of drunk driving and the day he was arrested for assaulting a limo driver, Beliebers are faced with the fate of their messiah on the line. Although the importance of Bieber’s American citizenship doesn’t rank high for almost everyone, a recent poll has shown Canadians’ number of f*%ks given. It’s hovering near zero. “Him? Damnit I thought we for rid of him. Our country has had two idiots, Bieber and Dudley Douchebag. At least Disney made a decent movie out of Dudley” said Sissipoo’s Samuel Brown. The bright side of Bieber’s impending struggle is some countries have volunteered a safe haven for the heart throb. Cameroon has had many suggest their’s might be a welcomed home. “His music is terrible….but we love beavers” says Cameroon’s Eric Osei. This just goes to show that no matter the lack of regard one has for the lives of others, no matter how pompous one man can get, someone somewhere will take him in and make fun of him. We at the Cucumber our only hope is wherever he lands, people will continue to shower him with insults and the malign Americans have willingly handed out.


Duke Savage
San Francisco, CA

As the advertising blow out of the year draws nearer, Super Bowl predictions are easier to come by than horny moms at a Bieber concert (who is a Hall of doucher for the record). We at the Cucumber, after a long sabbatical (blind drunk bender), take our sports opinions very seriously. Therefore we’ve gathered our intel and have come up with these bold predictions.

1. Peyton Manning’s head will fall off
Although Manning has set the pigskin world ablaze with his record setting performance this year, there is no denying age and the toll a season takes on an old man’s body. His neck, now held together by a stick of juicy fruit and a slice of Poppa John’s, is currently a lock in Vegas to fall off; for those wondering, money is riding on during the halftime performance.

2. The weather is going to suck
Not much to add. Mother Nature is a raging bitch and New Jersey/New York has racked up more than enough bad karma points to piss her the eff off. Buckle up Pauly D.

3. Pete Carrol will act like a bipolar surfer

Yes he plays one on one with his players. Yes he plays hip hop during practices. But the glaring truth is that he LOVES the attention of being different and honestly, more power to him. He’s throwing up the shaka it times of triumph and uttering Dashboard Confessional when things go south. Pick one Pete.

4. Seahawks sneak to last second W

After the extensive research of our sports division (45 pizzas and 200 games of Madden) it has been decided that is a 76.9% chance the Hawks win on Marshawn Lynch recovering a fumble from Hustle and Bustle Russell Wilson as time expires. Why so confident Lynch? Because he’s ingested so much sugar from the skittles eaten in this playoff run, that sugar high will make him stupid fast.


In his latest flick, Abe borrows a page from George Washington’s book and lays way to some nasty vampires.

San Francisco, CA

Duke Savage

As the first few multi-million dollar rolls of crap stained film roll out into your local theater, it’s time to take a minute and reflect on the rediscovered man of 2012. Sure…Abe Lincoln could be argued to be the most influential president of all time (freeing human beings from generational servitude, building the first transcontinental railroad or almost single handedly holding a young country from splitting down its fresh seams; that whole deal) but what 2012 taught us is, you think you have someone pegged and then you learn they also killed vampires. To call him ahead of his time is like calling the pyramids of Giza a stack of mud. Honest Abe’s infatuation with killing the dead has somehow eluded the biographers who have dedicated sex-less years to studying the man but Seth Grahame-Smith so cunningly dusted off his PhD in historical BS to tell the facts. As if Americans had never heard of him before, we were swept off our feet by how courageous Abe the Vampire Killer was, how Daniel Day Lewis could give another “performance of a lifetime” and how god damn annoying Mary Todd was. So we here at the Cucumber would like to extend our congratulations to Former President Lincoln, you took reinventing yourself to an astounding level. Maybe you should refer your publicist to Dwight Howard.

Ladies and gentlemen…meet Driicky Graham. No we didn’t spell that wrong, his name is DRIICKY and he needs to be stopped at all costs

Duke Savage

Some Stinky Club, CA

After a series of unfortunately poor life choices, this reporter found himself in a trendy hip hop club in a town, that shall remain unnamed, when the most atrocious and drastic attack on everything musical came blaring through the oversized speakers. It was Driicky Graham’s newest (and hopefully only) single entitled “Snapbacks and Tattoos”. Much to my relief, I was not the only person offended to the core by this heap of a song. A handful of decorated scientists at the Copenhagen Institute of Music are hard at work and have come up with enough substantial evidence to show that “Snapbacks and Tattoos” is in fact, the worst thing to happen to the musical world since William Hung. In a special press release made by the committee early this morning they encourage “Citizens to take matters into their own hands.” They go on to prompt passers by to, “bitch slap anyone you hear playing this song, humming it, or wearing a snapback with a bro tank revealing their tattoos (if said person is of smaller stature than yourself, otherwise a group effort is needed”; their words not mine. So stand beside me, my fellow music lovers, and do the world and our future generations a favor…and keep your pimp hand strong.