Archive for the ‘National News’ Category

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Duke Savage

Sochi, Russia

As a part of the gang of displaced media covering the 2014 Olympics hosted in Sochi, the local drunk informed this reporter that the town was connected to the notorious conman/developer George Bluth, Sr. As with his secret contract with Saddam Hussein for building a tract of low end fake homes in Iraq, Bluth and Putin struck an agreement to build Sochi at 1/100th of the $51 billion allotted for the Olympic budget. This lays to rest all of the questions about missing door handles, light fixtures, shower curtains and the bathroom surveillance. In complete Bluth fashion, a few small corners were cut; walls left unfinished, toilets that can’t handle toilet paper (but there are garbage cans provided for the shit stained paper), rabid dogs or construction workers laying in hotel beds or doors left eerily open for no apparent reason, the entire town of Sochi is thrown together like a 5th grade science project. Bluth, who is known for galavanting with the who’s who of the world’s oppressive playboys, was the first one to introduce Putin to bear wrestling; something that has Putin has made his calling card in the past weeks. The IOC was unable to be reached for comment on this matter, however we were able to meet with the IOC president’s cousin’s babysitter’s neighbor Rufus Beltsnatch who said “Yea they’re in a hot mess. That Bluth fella really left them up shit creek without a paddle.” As a notice to the IOC, next time you choose a location for the WINTER Olympics, aim for a place that has naturally occurring snow (somewhat of a staple for all winter sports), that isn’t in the armpit of a terrorist ridden area of the world, and a place that won’t piss away $51 BILLION and 7 years to slap together a shanty town to host the best athletes in the world.

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Duke Savage
Sissipoo Falls, Nova Scotia, Canada

As the Justin Bieber deportation petition garners it’s 100,000th signature, the American people are forced to turn it’s back on such childish issues as disappearing retirement funds, a confusing healthcare debate and a economy in the toilet and focus on the Biebs. 6 days after his arrest for suspicion of drunk driving and the day he was arrested for assaulting a limo driver, Beliebers are faced with the fate of their messiah on the line. Although the importance of Bieber’s American citizenship doesn’t rank high for almost everyone, a recent poll has shown Canadians’ number of f*%ks given. It’s hovering near zero. “Him? Damnit I thought we for rid of him. Our country has had two idiots, Bieber and Dudley Douchebag. At least Disney made a decent movie out of Dudley” said Sissipoo’s Samuel Brown. The bright side of Bieber’s impending struggle is some countries have volunteered a safe haven for the heart throb. Cameroon has had many suggest their’s might be a welcomed home. “His music is terrible….but we love beavers” says Cameroon’s Eric Osei. This just goes to show that no matter the lack of regard one has for the lives of others, no matter how pompous one man can get, someone somewhere will take him in and make fun of him. We at the Cucumber our only hope is wherever he lands, people will continue to shower him with insults and the malign Americans have willingly handed out.

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In his latest flick, Abe borrows a page from George Washington’s book and lays way to some nasty vampires.

San Francisco, CA

Duke Savage

As the first few multi-million dollar rolls of crap stained film roll out into your local theater, it’s time to take a minute and reflect on the rediscovered man of 2012. Sure…Abe Lincoln could be argued to be the most influential president of all time (freeing human beings from generational servitude, building the first transcontinental railroad or almost single handedly holding a young country from splitting down its fresh seams; that whole deal) but what 2012 taught us is, you think you have someone pegged and then you learn they also killed vampires. To call him ahead of his time is like calling the pyramids of Giza a stack of mud. Honest Abe’s infatuation with killing the dead has somehow eluded the biographers who have dedicated sex-less years to studying the man but Seth Grahame-Smith so cunningly dusted off his PhD in historical BS to tell the facts. As if Americans had never heard of him before, we were swept off our feet by how courageous Abe the Vampire Killer was, how Daniel Day Lewis could give another “performance of a lifetime” and how god damn annoying Mary Todd was. So we here at the Cucumber would like to extend our congratulations to Former President Lincoln, you took reinventing yourself to an astounding level. Maybe you should refer your publicist to Dwight Howard.

Ladies and gentlemen…meet Driicky Graham. No we didn’t spell that wrong, his name is DRIICKY and he needs to be stopped at all costs

Duke Savage

Some Stinky Club, CA

After a series of unfortunately poor life choices, this reporter found himself in a trendy hip hop club in a town, that shall remain unnamed, when the most atrocious and drastic attack on everything musical came blaring through the oversized speakers. It was Driicky Graham’s newest (and hopefully only) single entitled “Snapbacks and Tattoos”. Much to my relief, I was not the only person offended to the core by this heap of a song. A handful of decorated scientists at the Copenhagen Institute of Music are hard at work and have come up with enough substantial evidence to show that “Snapbacks and Tattoos” is in fact, the worst thing to happen to the musical world since William Hung. In a special press release made by the committee early this morning they encourage “Citizens to take matters into their own hands.” They go on to prompt passers by to, “bitch slap anyone you hear playing this song, humming it, or wearing a snapback with a bro tank revealing their tattoos (if said person is of smaller stature than yourself, otherwise a group effort is needed”; their words not mine. So stand beside me, my fellow music lovers, and do the world and our future generations a favor…and keep your pimp hand strong.

You know how people always say “That guy must have a small (insert slang word for penis here)”? Well studies show, that assumption is spot on.

Duke Savage

Somewhere in Indiana

Doctors at Indiana University School of Medicine announced Wednesday that they are only months away from making a scientific connection between penis size and truck size. “It has always been rumored that there is an inverse correlation between the lift/color of a man’s truck and the size of his thunder stick” said IU doctor Terry Weeks. The study entitled “Angle of The Dangle” seems to be nearing an end after nearly two years of research involving volunteers owning obscenely large trucks. “We all know it’s true” said Joe DeMars, pictured atop this article next to his lifted Ford F150 he so cheekily named “The Thunder From Down Under”. “It’s an unspoken agreement that for every inch you lift your truck, you lack an inch in the loins.”Although the study has taken many hits from the ALBMTA (American Lifted Badass Mofo Truck Association) for being done under false pretenses, medical professionals everywhere are basking in the reverie of science from the seats of their comfortably low BMW 5 series’. Here’s to a world where “breathing diesel exhaust blowing obnoxiously through your drivers side window” is a thing of the past.

In order to irradiate this wildly stupid "trend", cities have been encouraged to set hipster traps. These traps include American Spirit Cigarettes, a "kinda" cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and random plastic accessories.

Duke Savage

San Francisco, CA

A special panel of the nation’s top Sociologists, Psychologists and of course Perez Hilton gathered to discuss the confusing fashion trend that has unfortunately swept the nation. If you’ve never seen a hipster or experienced the pointless “I knew ____ before it was cool” mentality, go to your local coffee shop (not Starbucks or Peet’s though…those are too mainstream) or log on to Instagram.com to view their “creative” and “emotional” grainy iPhone pictures of a garbage can or bottle cap. Perez Hilton, who has made a few terrible additions to American pop culture himself, is even appalled by this skinny jean epidemic. “There’s no reason to be so f*%$ing strange! We all get the fact you like to be different and we can all see that you can fit into your little brother’s ripped jeans….literally nobody cares.”  Although all signs point towards this fashion trend fading itself out like the razor-sharp shoulder pad trend of the 80’s, there are worries that this may withstand the test of time. Sam Peterfold of the SFPD told the Cucumber, “We’ve been ordered to set Hipster traps around town and to just toss them in our pile of failed trends right next to the hyphy movement.” So if you know any Hipsters living in a larger Metropolitan area, warn them about the traps and inform them their days are numbered…or gently nudge them into the trap for five “Hipster points”. So far this week, this reporter has 35. Good luck.

Not even burly, half-drunk NFL fans can get on board with Canada's most famous and probably most embarrassing export.

Duke Savage

North Pole

The “you better be good or Santa will put coal in your stocking” threat took a violent turn for the worse after the Black And Cole Coal company announced they’d be shutting their doors after providing Santa with free coal for 100 years. When forced to find a creative coal-alternative to punish the misbehaving children of the world, St. Nick went with buying out the world’s supply of Nickelback CD’s. “I figured there is nothing worse than being forced to listen to a bunch of whining Canadians on such a typically joy filled day” said Mr. Kringle over a glass of eggnog and brandy early this morning. Early reports show a large increase in clean rooms, mowed lawns and censored “potty mouths”. The greatest attrocity to arise from this Canadian skirmish is the thought of a small child in a foreign country being forced to listen to “Side of a Bullet” and associating it with America. Don’t be fooled kids, its not Americans. It’s our quiet, weird, maple syrup sipping roommate who lives upstairs.