Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC...but not the one you're thinking of...

ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC…but not the one you’re thinking of…

Duke Savage

Washington, DC

As the NBA season comes creeping ever closer, the talks about the 2015-16 free agent class has already begun churning, with Kevin Durant’s future leading the charge. Although many have speculated that the hiring of Durant’s one time high school coach Randy Wittman could draw Durant to the Wizards, the team he grew up rooting for as a child. Sure, the Cucumber has hedged their bets on an NBA star making the transition to the WNBA (see past article on the Dwight Howard free agent travesty) and SURE we at the Cucumber were miles from being correct but here we have a somewhat substantial lead. Ryen Russillo, NBA inside and ESPN Radio host of the SVP & Russillo radio show (side note: greatest sports show of all time), tweeted out Wednesday that he believes the other team in DC could hold the lead in the Durant sweepstakes. This tweet by Russillo could be assumed to go along with Russillo’s stunning record of all-star sarcasm, but we at the Cucumber believe every lead is credible and anything tweeted out should be handled with the utmost seriousness. The Mystics, Washington’s WNBA squad who sits second in the Eastern Conference, would more than welcome the added height as their tallest player is 6’5″, Durant’s lanky 6’9″ frame. If Durant were to break the “gender barrier”, he would clearly be the first but would most likely open the door for many other stars to make the leap into the WNBA. We at the Cucumber would love to thank Mr. Russillo and his show for the tip on Durant’s pending free agency and urge them to keep up the cutting edge insight. 

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Drizzy proudly trades in his red and white of the Miami Heat for the burgundy and gold of the Cleveland Cavs.

Drizzy proudly trades in his red and white of the Miami Heat for the burgundy and gold of the Cleveland Cavs. As spots open up for Cavaliers pre and post game entertainment, Drake is exercising all possibles “ins” into the Cavalier organization.

 

Duke Savage

Cleveland, OH

Two weeks after LeBron James jostled the NBA East’s makeup by re-relocating back to Cleveland, a less publicized announcement happened that deserves some attention. Thanks to his well publicized affinity for hitching his wagon to the hottest teams/stars in popular sports, hip hop artist Drake decided that he, also, is heading to Cleveland. With his close “friendship” with both John Football as well as King James himself, Drake’s transition to a “lifelong Cleveland fan” shouldn’t surprise anyone. Drake’s flip-flopping allegiances puts him along side Manziel and James for the renewal of the Ohio economy as well as its’ sports fandom. “The weeks leading up to Bron’s decision was tough on Drizzy” says Patrick “P-Body” Benson. “Drizzy’s a Miami dude at heart, a Toronto hero at heart and a Cleveland lover at heart. Dude has a pretty big heart.” Although  having Drake on the sideline provides the Cavs with no legitimate benefits, many Cleveland fans are rejoicing the new additions to famous Cleveland celebrities in their original and pieced together LeBron jerseys. Although Cleveland’s head coach David Blatt was unable to be reached for a comment, a source told The Cucumber that Blatt is quite confused as to who Drake actually is. “Coach Blatt has absolutely no clue who Drake is or why everyone is so excited.” Other than bringing a few more twenty-something idiots to the Cavs games, Drizzy’s spokespeople have said he’s excited to bring a little more “swag” to Cleveland. While many Clevelanders await Drake’s first ever Cavs’ and Browns’ games this year, even more await the opportunity to make fun of how hopelessly pathetic the artists’ bandwagoning mentality is. From sports fans everywhere, please, go away Drake…..please.

For the first Annual Happy Gilmore Classic, all formal normalities and guidelines of golf are farted into the wind. WARNING: Old crotchety gallery members: there will be fun at this event...if you are opposed/allergic please consult your physician before attending.

For the first Annual Happy Gilmore Open, all formal normalities and guidelines of golf are farted into the wind. WARNING: Old crotchety gallery members: there will be fun at this event…if you are opposed/allergic please consult your physician before attending.

Duke Savage

Savannah, Georgia

In a desperate move to regain some of the once loyal younger demographic, the PGA has generated a new and alternative event inspired by the Hollywood shenanigans of Happy Gilmore. After television ratings took a dramatic slide following the “Tiger-Free” Masters won by Bubba Watson, PGA Special Events Administrator James Hutchinson devised this promotional Gilmore Open. “Let’s face it, golf is really boring to watch. From the overzealous announcers, to the pompous gallery onlookers all the way up to the frilly club covers; golf needs a kick start”, said Hutchinson. The intention of the event is to make the atmosphere as close to the “sex, drugs and rock’n’roll” mentality that Gilmore embodied. The typically regal and boring announcers will be replaced with Fear Factor’s Joe Rogan, a cocaine infused Carrot Top and NFL legend Bill Romanowski to cover the sideline reporting. This, of course, culminating in the highest steroid aggregate of any golf announcing trio in the Tour’s history. Contestants are encouraged to carry at least one worn down hockey stick in their bags, abandon their current caddies for a more homeless alternative, be under the influence of at least one substance and to forcibly “place” their clubs in as many hazards as possible. Although some golf diehards are snubbing their nose at the idea of the idea of change, many of the younger demographic are “fuggin psyched” about the new development. “Fights, drugs and sex in the gallery? It’s like a lubricant free version of wrestling! Plus it gives us a reason to day drink…who doesn’t like that?” one underaged anonymous fan was quoted as saying. Although not confirmed, there have been rumors of appearances of both Shooter McGavin as well as Bob Barker; however Barker’s representatives have been disgruntled over compensation for the legendary TV personality. (Insert “Price is Right” joke here).

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Duke Savage

Sochi, Russia

As a part of the gang of displaced media covering the 2014 Olympics hosted in Sochi, the local drunk informed this reporter that the town was connected to the notorious conman/developer George Bluth, Sr. As with his secret contract with Saddam Hussein for building a tract of low end fake homes in Iraq, Bluth and Putin struck an agreement to build Sochi at 1/100th of the $51 billion allotted for the Olympic budget. This lays to rest all of the questions about missing door handles, light fixtures, shower curtains and the bathroom surveillance. In complete Bluth fashion, a few small corners were cut; walls left unfinished, toilets that can’t handle toilet paper (but there are garbage cans provided for the shit stained paper), rabid dogs or construction workers laying in hotel beds or doors left eerily open for no apparent reason, the entire town of Sochi is thrown together like a 5th grade science project. Bluth, who is known for galavanting with the who’s who of the world’s oppressive playboys, was the first one to introduce Putin to bear wrestling; something that has Putin has made his calling card in the past weeks. The IOC was unable to be reached for comment on this matter, however we were able to meet with the IOC president’s cousin’s babysitter’s neighbor Rufus Beltsnatch who said “Yea they’re in a hot mess. That Bluth fella really left them up shit creek without a paddle.” As a notice to the IOC, next time you choose a location for the WINTER Olympics, aim for a place that has naturally occurring snow (somewhat of a staple for all winter sports), that isn’t in the armpit of a terrorist ridden area of the world, and a place that won’t piss away $51 BILLION and 7 years to slap together a shanty town to host the best athletes in the world.

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Duke Savage
San Francisco, CA

As the advertising blow out of the year draws nearer, Super Bowl predictions are easier to come by than horny moms at a Bieber concert (who is a Hall of doucher for the record). We at the Cucumber, after a long sabbatical (blind drunk bender), take our sports opinions very seriously. Therefore we’ve gathered our intel and have come up with these bold predictions.

1. Peyton Manning’s head will fall off
Although Manning has set the pigskin world ablaze with his record setting performance this year, there is no denying age and the toll a season takes on an old man’s body. His neck, now held together by a stick of juicy fruit and a slice of Poppa John’s, is currently a lock in Vegas to fall off; for those wondering, money is riding on during the halftime performance.

2. The weather is going to suck
Not much to add. Mother Nature is a raging bitch and New Jersey/New York has racked up more than enough bad karma points to piss her the eff off. Buckle up Pauly D.

3. Pete Carrol will act like a bipolar surfer

Yes he plays one on one with his players. Yes he plays hip hop during practices. But the glaring truth is that he LOVES the attention of being different and honestly, more power to him. He’s throwing up the shaka it times of triumph and uttering Dashboard Confessional when things go south. Pick one Pete.

4. Seahawks sneak to last second W

After the extensive research of our sports division (45 pizzas and 200 games of Madden) it has been decided that is a 76.9% chance the Hawks win on Marshawn Lynch recovering a fumble from Hustle and Bustle Russell Wilson as time expires. Why so confident Lynch? Because he’s ingested so much sugar from the skittles eaten in this playoff run, that sugar high will make him stupid fast.

Couch Potato stand out Mike Chansky pictured here in one of his daily training sessions. Lazy Mike, as he’s affectionately known, headlines a group of hopeful American Olympians.

Duke Savage

Somewhere in the Midwest, USA

With the XXX Olympiad in full swing, many Americans are bitter about not being atop the gold medal count. But fear not my fellow Americans, the answer has been uncovered. Mike Chansky and the “flubbery five” are currently applying to make Competitive Couch Potatoing into the XXXI Olympiad. Often dismissed as being lazy, the flubbery five have been training for the past 20 years and are thrilled to have the Olympic committee. The rules of Competitive Couch Potatoing are still hazy but a rough draft have been released exclusively to The Cucumber Periodicals.

Rules for XXXI Olympiad

Competitive Couch Potatoing:

Two athletes will be put on Lazy Boy couches, given a 6 pack of beer (athlete’s choice), two bags of Ruffles potato chips, and a TV with two seasons of Breaking Bad on DVR. With the start of the official clock, athletes will start consuming their goods, and are to start on Season 1 Episode 1 of Breaking Bad. Athletes will be confronted with obstacles asking them to remove themselves from the “playing field”. Obstacles include “Wife asking athlete to take kids to soccer practice” or “Fixing the kitchen sink” and all the way to the extreme examples of “The shed is on fire and our four year old is running with scissors”. IF both the athletes do not leave the playing field, there shall be a sudden death overtime. This overtime will require both athletes to watch two episodes of A&E’s Toddlers and Tiaras; with the first athlete to blink or fall asleep eliminated; with sleeping being an automatic disqualifier.

Howard seen here in his indecisive “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” pose; a recent favorite.

Duke Savage

New York, NY

After holding the sports world hostage for more than two months now, Dwight Howard has finally made up his precious mind on where he’d like to play. It’s not South Beach, it’s not Houston, it’s not Brooklyn but it DOES come with a New York ZIP code. Howard just signed a 1 year $24 million deal with the WNBA’s New York Liberty. Although this contract doesn’t come with Jay-Z or the über billionaire Russian owner but it does come with a locker room chalk filled with tampons and as much Midol as he could ever need. Howard’s agent was quoted Wednesday saying “Dwight is excited to start a new career in a new league. Sure there’s some question whether a man who is 6′ 11″ 285 pounds and build like clydesdale should play with a bunch of women…but there’s always skeptics.” Whether Howard signs an extension with the Liberty after this year or decides to be a grown up and accepts that his NBA future isn’t based on his whims, remains to be seen. As always, we here at the Cucumber Periodicals strive to be objective with our reporting…but this unprecedented display of immaturity has made ever break up in history look like an elegant tea party. Pinky’s out Dwight…pinky’s out.