Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

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Similar to Austin Powers, San Antonio Spurs minority owner Samuel Simon had some trouble “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl”. Unfortunately for Simon, much like Donald Sterling, his privacy was breached by a wretched woman. Other than fearing for Mr. Simon’s intestinal durability, this writer fears that nothing is private in the world of 2014.

Duke Savage

Dallas, TX

In the wake of the Donald Sterling shit show, the NBA owners are all on edge with regards to the skeletons in their respective closets. An audio tape floated up Tuesday morning whose contents were incriminating of yet another NBA leader but this time it was Samuel Simon, minority owner of the San Antonio Spurs. Simon’s girlfriend Natasha Petrova released a tape to Deadspin revealing a personal struggle Simon had late Monday night. Simon, who had been struggling to pass what was left of a Texas Roadhouse Steak Tips plate. “It’s really just muddled grunts and pleas to God for support” said NBA investigator Alex Trimmle, “It was a lot like the scene from Austin Powers, he just had to bite his lip and give it hell.” Many of his fellow owners have spoken out in support of Simon, offering digestive suggestions as well as names of gastrointestinal specialists from the area. Simon’s representatives have released a brief statement regarding Mr. Simon’s intestinal fortitude. “Mr. Simon, as well as the Spurs organization, regret the audio that was released yesterday. We are deeply saddened by Mr. Simon’s struggles and are here to provide any push or support needed by Mr. Simon.” This recent scandal is a skid mark on an otherwise pearly white public record of the Spurs organization. This second thought-to-be-private moment that was recorded and released to the public, sets the rest of the owners on notice, nothing is sacred…not even the porcelain thinking chair. On the bright side, all signs point to the fact that Mr. Simon did wash his hands before returning to his court-side seats. 

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Duke Savage

Sochi, Russia

As a part of the gang of displaced media covering the 2014 Olympics hosted in Sochi, the local drunk informed this reporter that the town was connected to the notorious conman/developer George Bluth, Sr. As with his secret contract with Saddam Hussein for building a tract of low end fake homes in Iraq, Bluth and Putin struck an agreement to build Sochi at 1/100th of the $51 billion allotted for the Olympic budget. This lays to rest all of the questions about missing door handles, light fixtures, shower curtains and the bathroom surveillance. In complete Bluth fashion, a few small corners were cut; walls left unfinished, toilets that can’t handle toilet paper (but there are garbage cans provided for the shit stained paper), rabid dogs or construction workers laying in hotel beds or doors left eerily open for no apparent reason, the entire town of Sochi is thrown together like a 5th grade science project. Bluth, who is known for galavanting with the who’s who of the world’s oppressive playboys, was the first one to introduce Putin to bear wrestling; something that has Putin has made his calling card in the past weeks. The IOC was unable to be reached for comment on this matter, however we were able to meet with the IOC president’s cousin’s babysitter’s neighbor Rufus Beltsnatch who said “Yea they’re in a hot mess. That Bluth fella really left them up shit creek without a paddle.” As a notice to the IOC, next time you choose a location for the WINTER Olympics, aim for a place that has naturally occurring snow (somewhat of a staple for all winter sports), that isn’t in the armpit of a terrorist ridden area of the world, and a place that won’t piss away $51 BILLION and 7 years to slap together a shanty town to host the best athletes in the world.

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Duke Savage
San Francisco, CA

A local coffee shop was given the key to the city Monday for it’s aggressive policy to keep patrons from Instagramming their food and simply eat it. “I don’t understand the ‘food porn’ phenomenon” said owner John Jackson. “My friends and I don’t show pictures to each other, we just say ‘damn, that was good.'” This action has been taken after Jackson received multiple complaints that his food wasn’t “as good as it looked on Instagram.” Although these claims have been proven to be ridiculous, Jackson decided to take action. His method involves a day old bagel and what’s leftover from his minor league pitching career. Over the two weeks of the rule’s enforcement, three concussions have been handed out along, fifteen near misses and a 1.37 ERA. This brave movement to counteract our dependence of social media and technology and will not go unnoticed. The world’s out here folks.

In order to irradiate this wildly stupid "trend", cities have been encouraged to set hipster traps. These traps include American Spirit Cigarettes, a "kinda" cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and random plastic accessories.

Duke Savage

San Francisco, CA

A special panel of the nation’s top Sociologists, Psychologists and of course Perez Hilton gathered to discuss the confusing fashion trend that has unfortunately swept the nation. If you’ve never seen a hipster or experienced the pointless “I knew ____ before it was cool” mentality, go to your local coffee shop (not Starbucks or Peet’s though…those are too mainstream) or log on to Instagram.com to view their “creative” and “emotional” grainy iPhone pictures of a garbage can or bottle cap. Perez Hilton, who has made a few terrible additions to American pop culture himself, is even appalled by this skinny jean epidemic. “There’s no reason to be so f*%$ing strange! We all get the fact you like to be different and we can all see that you can fit into your little brother’s ripped jeans….literally nobody cares.”  Although all signs point towards this fashion trend fading itself out like the razor-sharp shoulder pad trend of the 80’s, there are worries that this may withstand the test of time. Sam Peterfold of the SFPD told the Cucumber, “We’ve been ordered to set Hipster traps around town and to just toss them in our pile of failed trends right next to the hyphy movement.” So if you know any Hipsters living in a larger Metropolitan area, warn them about the traps and inform them their days are numbered…or gently nudge them into the trap for five “Hipster points”. So far this week, this reporter has 35. Good luck.

Have you ever wondered..."where did these girls go?" They're not gone...just hibernating for the winter

Duke Savage

Eugene, OR

While touring the University of Oregon campus on a brisk (ok bone chilling) December afternoon, I felt a definite lack of  “hotness” that is typically associated with the school. After several dozen inquiries, I finally found a seventh year senior who had the answer to the mysterious disappearance of “10’s” that have been rumored to roam this rainy Northwest campus. The super super super senior in question, Ron Gazinzky, told me that it is a simple fact of hibernation that keeps the campus’ hotty stock at a minimum during the harsh Oregon winters. Apparently, somewhere deep in the University of Oregon by-laws, there is a clause that requires all girls deemed to be “dimes” to hire less attractive (no doubt more intelligent) women to attend their classes and take their tests for them. This was instated in the early 1930’s by the then President Allan Brown, to maintain a certain level of attractiveness for visiting and potential students. “It’s like November hits and all of the hot girls stop coming to class and are replaced by trolls” said Gazinzky. The hot girls can allegedly be spotted on their daily and leisurely jogs on the treadmills in the campus’ Rec Center where apparently they are displayed like goddesses in the front window; a myth to be tested on my next trip. As a precautionary measure, do not approach any “babe” during the cold months of  November-February as they may be “hibernation walking” and very cranky. So until spring, beggars can’t be choosers.

After the interview, Larry The Cable Guy stripped down to his bloomers and streaked around the CBS set, for reasons currently unknown.

Duke Savage

Spunky Puddle, Ohio

 

Americans were left staggered this week after a 60 Minutes interview with famed redneck, Larry The Cable Guy, revealed that the 48 year-old “actor” is actually mentally slow and not funny. 60 Minutes commentator Bob Simon told this reporter “At the beginning of the interview I was optimistic. I’d seen his movies and thought there might be a spark of brilliance. After about five minutes passed however, I knew the truth.” Larry’s profane incompetence was revealed when Simon stumped him with the question “What was your inspiration for your role in the Cars movies?” The interview had to be edited for time due to Mr. Cable Guy’s inability to grasp the word inspiration. “That was just a good ole low blow by that Simon’s feller” Larry said, “I mean who comes outta the wild blue yonder with such big time words as ‘inspirmnation’ or whatever the hell it was.” Although Mr. Cable Guy’s secret has been revealed, he will no doubt continue to fool the American public and make over $30 million a year. The first red flag for Americans should have been his “catch phrase” Get’r Done but in typical American fashion, we laughed cause it didn’t make sense. For $30 million a year, who cares, keep gettin’r done Larry.


Tom Selleck and his dominating facial fixture are at the epicenter of this Mustache Mayhem.

Duke Savage

San Francisco, CA

As many American men sprout mustaches to support “Movember” to show their support for Prostate cancer research, one mustache is frustrated by the impostors. In the middle of this hairy situation is Tom Selleck, the owner of the world’s most prominent mustache. However, it isn’t Selleck raising the stink rather it’s his bushy lip fixture. “There’s only so much room in the mustache scene” said Selleck’s killer ‘stache. “I’ve been on the scene for over 20 years and these rookies come out for a month out of the year and expect my respect? Not a chance.” Selleck’s mustache has declared all out facial warfare on these mustache imitations, threatening everything from spotty Just For Men gel attacks to the more serious razor burn. Although this threat has struck man “Movember” patrons in fear, Selleck has assured that if his mustache gets out of control, he will revert to his backup facial configuration, the goatee. Selleck hopes that this “power by numbers” approach would kill any confrontation that may arise. As far as this clean shaven reporter is concerned, this threat is not worth getting rid of your stylish ‘stache or milk mustache; get your “Mo” on.