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Duke Savage
San Francisco, CA

A local coffee shop was given the key to the city Monday for it’s aggressive policy to keep patrons from Instagramming their food and simply eat it. “I don’t understand the ‘food porn’ phenomenon” said owner John Jackson. “My friends and I don’t show pictures to each other, we just say ‘damn, that was good.'” This action has been taken after Jackson received multiple complaints that his food wasn’t “as good as it looked on Instagram.” Although these claims have been proven to be ridiculous, Jackson decided to take action. His method involves a day old bagel and what’s leftover from his minor league pitching career. Over the two weeks of the rule’s enforcement, three concussions have been handed out along, fifteen near misses and a 1.37 ERA. This brave movement to counteract our dependence of social media and technology and will not go unnoticed. The world’s out here folks.

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Duke Savage
San Francisco, CA

As the advertising blow out of the year draws nearer, Super Bowl predictions are easier to come by than horny moms at a Bieber concert (who is a Hall of doucher for the record). We at the Cucumber, after a long sabbatical (blind drunk bender), take our sports opinions very seriously. Therefore we’ve gathered our intel and have come up with these bold predictions.

1. Peyton Manning’s head will fall off
Although Manning has set the pigskin world ablaze with his record setting performance this year, there is no denying age and the toll a season takes on an old man’s body. His neck, now held together by a stick of juicy fruit and a slice of Poppa John’s, is currently a lock in Vegas to fall off; for those wondering, money is riding on during the halftime performance.

2. The weather is going to suck
Not much to add. Mother Nature is a raging bitch and New Jersey/New York has racked up more than enough bad karma points to piss her the eff off. Buckle up Pauly D.

3. Pete Carrol will act like a bipolar surfer

Yes he plays one on one with his players. Yes he plays hip hop during practices. But the glaring truth is that he LOVES the attention of being different and honestly, more power to him. He’s throwing up the shaka it times of triumph and uttering Dashboard Confessional when things go south. Pick one Pete.

4. Seahawks sneak to last second W

After the extensive research of our sports division (45 pizzas and 200 games of Madden) it has been decided that is a 76.9% chance the Hawks win on Marshawn Lynch recovering a fumble from Hustle and Bustle Russell Wilson as time expires. Why so confident Lynch? Because he’s ingested so much sugar from the skittles eaten in this playoff run, that sugar high will make him stupid fast.

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In his latest flick, Abe borrows a page from George Washington’s book and lays way to some nasty vampires.

San Francisco, CA

Duke Savage

As the first few multi-million dollar rolls of crap stained film roll out into your local theater, it’s time to take a minute and reflect on the rediscovered man of 2012. Sure…Abe Lincoln could be argued to be the most influential president of all time (freeing human beings from generational servitude, building the first transcontinental railroad or almost single handedly holding a young country from splitting down its fresh seams; that whole deal) but what 2012 taught us is, you think you have someone pegged and then you learn they also killed vampires. To call him ahead of his time is like calling the pyramids of Giza a stack of mud. Honest Abe’s infatuation with killing the dead has somehow eluded the biographers who have dedicated sex-less years to studying the man but Seth Grahame-Smith so cunningly dusted off his PhD in historical BS to tell the facts. As if Americans had never heard of him before, we were swept off our feet by how courageous Abe the Vampire Killer was, how Daniel Day Lewis could give another “performance of a lifetime” and how god damn annoying Mary Todd was. So we here at the Cucumber would like to extend our congratulations to Former President Lincoln, you took reinventing yourself to an astounding level. Maybe you should refer your publicist to Dwight Howard.

Couch Potato stand out Mike Chansky pictured here in one of his daily training sessions. Lazy Mike, as he’s affectionately known, headlines a group of hopeful American Olympians.

Duke Savage

Somewhere in the Midwest, USA

With the XXX Olympiad in full swing, many Americans are bitter about not being atop the gold medal count. But fear not my fellow Americans, the answer has been uncovered. Mike Chansky and the “flubbery five” are currently applying to make Competitive Couch Potatoing into the XXXI Olympiad. Often dismissed as being lazy, the flubbery five have been training for the past 20 years and are thrilled to have the Olympic committee. The rules of Competitive Couch Potatoing are still hazy but a rough draft have been released exclusively to The Cucumber Periodicals.

Rules for XXXI Olympiad

Competitive Couch Potatoing:

Two athletes will be put on Lazy Boy couches, given a 6 pack of beer (athlete’s choice), two bags of Ruffles potato chips, and a TV with two seasons of Breaking Bad on DVR. With the start of the official clock, athletes will start consuming their goods, and are to start on Season 1 Episode 1 of Breaking Bad. Athletes will be confronted with obstacles asking them to remove themselves from the “playing field”. Obstacles include “Wife asking athlete to take kids to soccer practice” or “Fixing the kitchen sink” and all the way to the extreme examples of “The shed is on fire and our four year old is running with scissors”. IF both the athletes do not leave the playing field, there shall be a sudden death overtime. This overtime will require both athletes to watch two episodes of A&E’s Toddlers and Tiaras; with the first athlete to blink or fall asleep eliminated; with sleeping being an automatic disqualifier.

Ladies and gentlemen…meet Driicky Graham. No we didn’t spell that wrong, his name is DRIICKY and he needs to be stopped at all costs

Duke Savage

Some Stinky Club, CA

After a series of unfortunately poor life choices, this reporter found himself in a trendy hip hop club in a town, that shall remain unnamed, when the most atrocious and drastic attack on everything musical came blaring through the oversized speakers. It was Driicky Graham’s newest (and hopefully only) single entitled “Snapbacks and Tattoos”. Much to my relief, I was not the only person offended to the core by this heap of a song. A handful of decorated scientists at the Copenhagen Institute of Music are hard at work and have come up with enough substantial evidence to show that “Snapbacks and Tattoos” is in fact, the worst thing to happen to the musical world since William Hung. In a special press release made by the committee early this morning they encourage “Citizens to take matters into their own hands.” They go on to prompt passers by to, “bitch slap anyone you hear playing this song, humming it, or wearing a snapback with a bro tank revealing their tattoos (if said person is of smaller stature than yourself, otherwise a group effort is needed”; their words not mine. So stand beside me, my fellow music lovers, and do the world and our future generations a favor…and keep your pimp hand strong.

Howard seen here in his indecisive “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” pose; a recent favorite.

Duke Savage

New York, NY

After holding the sports world hostage for more than two months now, Dwight Howard has finally made up his precious mind on where he’d like to play. It’s not South Beach, it’s not Houston, it’s not Brooklyn but it DOES come with a New York ZIP code. Howard just signed a 1 year $24 million deal with the WNBA’s New York Liberty. Although this contract doesn’t come with Jay-Z or the über billionaire Russian owner but it does come with a locker room chalk filled with tampons and as much Midol as he could ever need. Howard’s agent was quoted Wednesday saying “Dwight is excited to start a new career in a new league. Sure there’s some question whether a man who is 6′ 11″ 285 pounds and build like clydesdale should play with a bunch of women…but there’s always skeptics.” Whether Howard signs an extension with the Liberty after this year or decides to be a grown up and accepts that his NBA future isn’t based on his whims, remains to be seen. As always, we here at the Cucumber Periodicals strive to be objective with our reporting…but this unprecedented display of immaturity has made ever break up in history look like an elegant tea party. Pinky’s out Dwight…pinky’s out.

That’s right folks…skating counts, sleeping counts and unfortunate for some, size counts. Nike steps into a new frontier with their upcoming release of the Nike+ Fuelband Sex Guide

Eugene, OR

Duke Savage

After Nike released their high tech Fuelband early this June, it was clear that it’s effects would spread passed the realm of sport. Thats right, Nike has unlatched the proverbial chastity belt and has developed and plans on releasing it’s own sex guide; focused on which positions generate its user the most “Fuel points”. Although, Nike is being a you-know-what block about the book’s details, we here at The Cucumber Periodicals were able to obtain a small preview of the book that has the potential to make 50 Shades of Grey look like Mother Goose.

Exerpt from Nike+ Fueldband Sex Guide:

” “Noobs”

Missionary- Men: 314 Fuel points

Doggy Style- Men: 291 Fuel points (three ass slaps included)

Girl on Top- Men: 154 Fuel points

Although you may feel like you’re doing a lot, let’s admit it fellas, we don’t supply much as far as the love making process. As long as we don’t fall asleep, slip into a coma or cause any sort of catastrophe…all goes well. (Although female Fuel points have not been accounted for, they are assumed to be at least two or three times higher than their male counter parts.)

“Aspiring Adult Film Stars”

Reverse Cowgirl- Men: 320 Fuel points

Shower Sex- Men: 450 Fuel points

Laying Doggy Style- Men: 334 Fuel points

Go ahead and bump the difficulty rating up to a 6 because even though you may feel like Adonis, you’re just giving slightly than the minimum effort. Granted, your partner will no doubt appreciate the increased effort, there’s another echelon you can reach, go for it; it’s worth the points you lazy bastard.

“Borderline Sex God”

Trapeze Artist- Men: 832 Fuel points

Flying Squirrel Monkey- Men: 729 Fuel points

“Knock-Knock Who’s There?”- Men: 645 Fuel points (add 300 for a long apology letter, a dozen roses and breakfast in bed)

First off, we’ve never heard of these positions either. Our research team spent the entire afternoon looking these up on Urban Dictionary and we encourage you to do the same. Not only will you be a first ballot “pipe laying” hall of famer, you’ll get the official Cucumber Stamp of approval and have more Fuel points than the entire USA Olympic armada.”

With a rumored release date of Valentine’s Day 2013, Nike is further encouraging it’s customers to #MakeItCount.