Posts Tagged ‘18’

These model Americans are taking the initiative and getting an jump start on their legal right to consume. Well done boys.

Duke Savage

Washington, D.C.

Legislation is in the works to lower America’s legal drinking age from 21 to 18. It’s not because the legal registration for the armed services is 18 (although this is a valid argument) but rather to rid the world of all that high school students have to brag about. We have all over heard a group of high school students that are reliving their last “raging party” at their parents house after consuming all of their Mom’s wine coolers and Dad’s Pabst Blue Ribbon. “I’m God damn sick of it!” remarked 11th grade Science teacher Mark Smithers. This outburst is a result of 20 years of hearing about “Tiffany Johnson’s pool party” and about “John and Nancy getting to third base last Saturday”. Thankfully Washington is behind this movement towards responsible gloating. “Everyone gets drunk and makes mistakes. It’s about time these kids understand that this habit will only be compounded over their next 5-10 years” said Congressman Frank “The Tank” Strasbourg. “If we kick this habit early to avoid the same stupid stories for the next 100 years. Our goal is to eradicate the useless bragging and annoying banter between teenagers by the year 2200. A lofty goal I agree but we like to aim high.” Although this bill makes sense to many circles of Americans, especially those who deal with high school children on a day-to-day basis away from parent’s ears, some are disgusted by this movement. “18 year old’s getting intoxicated? Why my Jimmy wouldn’t have any of that. He’s an angel!” commented Melinda Rucksberry. Melinda’s “angel” in question is the same Jimmy that was urinating off of Tiffany Johnson’s balcony into the pool while singing West Side Story’s “I Feel Pretty” at the before mentioned pool party. If these are grounds for being deemed an angel, then consider this reporter angel royalty.

I think we can all appreciate the immense amount of pride the American government had to swallow to put this bill in motion. Thanks to the hard work of these noble men, Bill is sitting up on Capitol Hill piss drunk. God Bless America.