Posts Tagged ‘American’

You know how people always say “That guy must have a small (insert slang word for penis here)”? Well studies show, that assumption is spot on.

Duke Savage

Somewhere in Indiana

Doctors at Indiana University School of Medicine announced Wednesday that they are only months away from making a scientific connection between penis size and truck size. “It has always been rumored that there is an inverse correlation between the lift/color of a man’s truck and the size of his thunder stick” said IU doctor Terry Weeks. The study entitled “Angle of The Dangle” seems to be nearing an end after nearly two years of research involving volunteers owning obscenely large trucks. “We all know it’s true” said Joe DeMars, pictured atop this article next to his lifted Ford F150 he so cheekily named “The Thunder From Down Under”. “It’s an unspoken agreement that for every inch you lift your truck, you lack an inch in the loins.”Although the study has taken many hits from the ALBMTA (American Lifted Badass Mofo Truck Association) for being done under false pretenses, medical professionals everywhere are basking in the reverie of science from the seats of their comfortably low BMW 5 series’. Here’s to a world where “breathing diesel exhaust blowing obnoxiously through your drivers side window” is a thing of the past.

As every red blooded American knows, the only thing less manly than skinny jeans...is wearing them with your pair of male UGGs

 

Duke Savage

Washington, D.C.

Last Thursday, Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin, MD issued a statement warning against the fashion statement that has become all the rage. The “I look cool because I stole my sister’s jeans and can not feel my loins” look is popular among those who are fans of today’s alternative music or just have no idea what else to wear. This statement was prompted by recent studies that show that the continuous wearing of skinny jeans not only decreases a man’s sperm count, cause swollen “man berries” but also has causes an irreversible stab to that man’s psyche. Although this raises serious concern and poses a very real threat to male parts worldwide, there is a very good chance it will go unnoticed for the mere fact that these “hipsters” don’t read, pay attention to practiced hygiene or fashion conventions nor do them seem to give a flying 747 f**k. Seems pretty fitting, being that we, the collective American public, don’t care too much for them either.