Posts Tagged ‘beer’

Couch Potato stand out Mike Chansky pictured here in one of his daily training sessions. Lazy Mike, as he’s affectionately known, headlines a group of hopeful American Olympians.

Duke Savage

Somewhere in the Midwest, USA

With the XXX Olympiad in full swing, many Americans are bitter about not being atop the gold medal count. But fear not my fellow Americans, the answer has been uncovered. Mike Chansky and the “flubbery five” are currently applying to make Competitive Couch Potatoing into the XXXI Olympiad. Often dismissed as being lazy, the flubbery five have been training for the past 20 years and are thrilled to have the Olympic committee. The rules of Competitive Couch Potatoing are still hazy but a rough draft have been released exclusively to The Cucumber Periodicals.

Rules for XXXI Olympiad

Competitive Couch Potatoing:

Two athletes will be put on Lazy Boy couches, given a 6 pack of beer (athlete’s choice), two bags of Ruffles potato chips, and a TV with two seasons of Breaking Bad on DVR. With the start of the official clock, athletes will start consuming their goods, and are to start on Season 1 Episode 1 of Breaking Bad. Athletes will be confronted with obstacles asking them to remove themselves from the “playing field”. Obstacles include “Wife asking athlete to take kids to soccer practice” or “Fixing the kitchen sink” and all the way to the extreme examples of “The shed is on fire and our four year old is running with scissors”. IF both the athletes do not leave the playing field, there shall be a sudden death overtime. This overtime will require both athletes to watch two episodes of A&E’s Toddlers and Tiaras; with the first athlete to blink or fall asleep eliminated; with sleeping being an automatic disqualifier.

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Once,The Most Interesting Man in The World. Now, bored stiff...literally.

Duke Savage

Los Angeles, CA

At 3:47 pm last Tuesday, couch potatoes everywhere shed a tear; their favorite commercial personality was pronounced dead. Dos Equis’ silver fox spokesman, also known as The Most Interesting Man in The World, was reported dead in his extravagant and extremely booby-trapped mansion in Beverly Hills. Although the autopsy will not be complete until Saturday, early reports show that of all things, he died of absolute boredom. A source close to this day time television icon said that his last days were spent lying on the couch pondering what other absurdly exotic and interesting things he could accomplish. “He literally couldn’t think of anything to do” said close colleague Chuck Norris. “We’ve been doing dangerous and irrational adventures since we met inside an erupting volcano in 2004. He was pretty damn interesting.” This is of course high praise coming from a man who sailed the 7 seas without using a boat. Dos Equis has been scrambling to find a new spokesman to take his place, being he’s the only reason American’s drink their beer. Early rumors for replacements include Captain South America (Captain America’s fairly unknown 2nd cousin), San Francisco Giant’s closer Brian Wilson, Jackass’s Johnny Knoxville, and the Incredible Hulk. Actor Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock) offered his services but Dos Equis respectfully told him no thank you saying that starring in movies such as The Tooth Fairy was incredibly UN-interesting. The aftermath of this tragic event has left a formidable void in the television commercial game, one I pray is not filled by Progressive Insurance’s Flo for she is an awful human being. I don’t usually write obituaries, but when I do, I keep it interesting. Avoid boredom my friends.

Team ShitSquad's captain Icy Hott after an on-fire streak to push three cup overtime

The 3rd annual Beer Pong for Breasts a philanthropy to raise the awareness of breasts held by fraternity Pi Kappa Delta was left to a spectacular finish this Friday after a string of on-fire shots by team ShitSquad’s captain Adam Davis also known as “Icy Hott” pushed the intense championship round into three cup overtime against rivals and long time haters The-Master-Batters, a final that not even that amazing world cup octopus Paul could have predicted. Team ShitSquad’s poor defense left them with only one cup on their side early in the overtime, left with three full cups of their own sophomore Brett “I’m wet” McDaniels took advantage of local sorority drunk Stacy’s fall into a kiddy pool, leaving The-Master-Batters distracted for enough time to get a textbook bounce in, bringing the championship down to a one cup standoff. The-Master-Batters fired back after time collecting themselves and repeatedly dunking the ball in the water cups and doing the focused arm extending practice shot motion, failing to make the first shot with an airball the second looked dead on but swirled around the cup furiously before ejecting with incredible speed, leaving many people screaming “THAT WAS IN!!!” the close call left ShitSquad rattled. Brett under intense pressure missed wide left embarrassingly landing in the opposing teams water cup. Team captain Davis kept his poise after the barrage of shit talking, starring the last cup down he shot and hit cups front lip directly sending the ball down the table towards him, without hesitation Davis snagged the ball and went for the around the back toss landing directly in the last cup splashing beer foam in the eyes of The-Master-Batters. The championship winning shot left Adam Davis with a severely sprained wrist after several hundred high fives in what spectators would call the greatest victory since the American’s Olympic hockey match versus Russia in 1980. Davis commented after the championship round “bro, once I’m on fire I pretty much make everything, hence the name Icy Hott, so I just sort of let it happen I’m just glad they missed their rebuttal shots, the around the back shot was crazy lucky though”. Davis is expected to make a full recovery for the barn dance next Wednesday.