Posts Tagged ‘Canada’


Duke Savage
Sissipoo Falls, Nova Scotia, Canada

As the Justin Bieber deportation petition garners it’s 100,000th signature, the American people are forced to turn it’s back on such childish issues as disappearing retirement funds, a confusing healthcare debate and a economy in the toilet and focus on the Biebs. 6 days after his arrest for suspicion of drunk driving and the day he was arrested for assaulting a limo driver, Beliebers are faced with the fate of their messiah on the line. Although the importance of Bieber’s American citizenship doesn’t rank high for almost everyone, a recent poll has shown Canadians’ number of f*%ks given. It’s hovering near zero. “Him? Damnit I thought we for rid of him. Our country has had two idiots, Bieber and Dudley Douchebag. At least Disney made a decent movie out of Dudley” said Sissipoo’s Samuel Brown. The bright side of Bieber’s impending struggle is some countries have volunteered a safe haven for the heart throb. Cameroon has had many suggest their’s might be a welcomed home. “His music is terrible….but we love beavers” says Cameroon’s Eric Osei. This just goes to show that no matter the lack of regard one has for the lives of others, no matter how pompous one man can get, someone somewhere will take him in and make fun of him. We at the Cucumber our only hope is wherever he lands, people will continue to shower him with insults and the malign Americans have willingly handed out.

Not even burly, half-drunk NFL fans can get on board with Canada's most famous and probably most embarrassing export.

Duke Savage

North Pole

The “you better be good or Santa will put coal in your stocking” threat took a violent turn for the worse after the Black And Cole Coal company announced they’d be shutting their doors after providing Santa with free coal for 100 years. When forced to find a creative coal-alternative to punish the misbehaving children of the world, St. Nick went with buying out the world’s supply of Nickelback CD’s. “I figured there is nothing worse than being forced to listen to a bunch of whining Canadians on such a typically joy filled day” said Mr. Kringle over a glass of eggnog and brandy early this morning. Early reports show a large increase in clean rooms, mowed lawns and censored “potty mouths”. The greatest attrocity to arise from this Canadian skirmish is the thought of a small child in a foreign country being forced to listen to “Side of a Bullet” and associating it with America. Don’t be fooled kids, its not Americans. It’s our quiet, weird, maple syrup sipping roommate who lives upstairs.