The typical "Light's on but nobody's home" look associated with 99.9% of Reeves' movies
Duke Savage
Los Angeles, CA
27 years after his silver screen debut, Keanu Reeves tested positive for the performance diminishing drug Dim-wittedaphederine. This rare and expensive drug has claimed the careers of many prolific actors and actresses over the last twenty years; affecting the part of the brain that connects cognitive abilities (handy in interpreting scripts) and the part that inspires humor and emotion. Among the fallen actors that have been escorted from the lime light by this terrible drug are Tom Arnold, Martin Short, Dane Cook and Jack Black. The fault does not lie entirely on these past funny-men but is partially due to the “confusing” marketing of the product. Dim-wittedaphederine comes in a package that looks very similar to the beloved fruit candy Skittles. The curveball is instead of having a tagline “Taste The Rainbow” the package reads “Become A Has-Been”. Reeves declined comment, as he is miraculously still starring in terrible movies. Lucky for us however, Tom Arnold has literally nothing better to do. “ I’ve talked to Keanu about his unfortunate fall from grace and he just gave me his signature blank stare, not seeming to be aware of it. It’s sad really.” After restraining myself from beating Arnold senseless for his nonsensical rant, I had to realize that he had somehow made a good point. How the hell would he know what he’s ingesting? It’s not like he was shooting himself full of this brain numbing drug but simply enjoying a brightly colored “pre nap time snack”. When asked if he cared about Reeves’ “doping”, Screen Actors Guild representative Steve McGuire had this to say, “Doping? Why would we give a rat’s ass if these actors are taking drugs to make them worse? If anything we should prescribe these to those actors who repetitively come out with two-hour travesties called ‘blockbusters’.” Amen Mr. McGuire. It’s clear that every actor has their last “good” movie in their careers. Jack Black’s was Tropic Thunder, Cook’s was My Best Friend’s Girl, Reeves’ was the Matrix Trilogy and Arnold should have quit after Rosanne divorced him. If these statements have an ominously biased scent to them, I challenge you to find a Tom Arnold film on any top 10 list…ANYWHERE. Finally the world can rest however; we now know why Keanu Reeves is such a bad actor. It’s not for any concussion related injury, not to be blamed on lead based paint in his childhood residence but for self medicating himself into stupidity.
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