Posts Tagged ‘drinking’

These model Americans are taking the initiative and getting an jump start on their legal right to consume. Well done boys.

Duke Savage

Washington, D.C.

Legislation is in the works to lower America’s legal drinking age from 21 to 18. It’s not because the legal registration for the armed services is 18 (although this is a valid argument) but rather to rid the world of all that high school students have to brag about. We have all over heard a group of high school students that are reliving their last “raging party” at their parents house after consuming all of their Mom’s wine coolers and Dad’s Pabst Blue Ribbon. “I’m God damn sick of it!” remarked 11th grade Science teacher Mark Smithers. This outburst is a result of 20 years of hearing about “Tiffany Johnson’s pool party” and about “John and Nancy getting to third base last Saturday”. Thankfully Washington is behind this movement towards responsible gloating. “Everyone gets drunk and makes mistakes. It’s about time these kids understand that this habit will only be compounded over their next 5-10 years” said Congressman Frank “The Tank” Strasbourg. “If we kick this habit early to avoid the same stupid stories for the next 100 years. Our goal is to eradicate the useless bragging and annoying banter between teenagers by the year 2200. A lofty goal I agree but we like to aim high.” Although this bill makes sense to many circles of Americans, especially those who deal with high school children on a day-to-day basis away from parent’s ears, some are disgusted by this movement. “18 year old’s getting intoxicated? Why my Jimmy wouldn’t have any of that. He’s an angel!” commented Melinda Rucksberry. Melinda’s “angel” in question is the same Jimmy that was urinating off of Tiffany Johnson’s balcony into the pool while singing West Side Story’s “I Feel Pretty” at the before mentioned pool party. If these are grounds for being deemed an angel, then consider this reporter angel royalty.

I think we can all appreciate the immense amount of pride the American government had to swallow to put this bill in motion. Thanks to the hard work of these noble men, Bill is sitting up on Capitol Hill piss drunk. God Bless America.

Team ShitSquad's captain Icy Hott after an on-fire streak to push three cup overtime

The 3rd annual Beer Pong for Breasts a philanthropy to raise the awareness of breasts held by fraternity Pi Kappa Delta was left to a spectacular finish this Friday after a string of on-fire shots by team ShitSquad’s captain Adam Davis also known as “Icy Hott” pushed the intense championship round into three cup overtime against rivals and long time haters The-Master-Batters, a final that not even that amazing world cup octopus Paul could have predicted. Team ShitSquad’s poor defense left them with only one cup on their side early in the overtime, left with three full cups of their own sophomore Brett “I’m wet” McDaniels took advantage of local sorority drunk Stacy’s fall into a kiddy pool, leaving The-Master-Batters distracted for enough time to get a textbook bounce in, bringing the championship down to a one cup standoff. The-Master-Batters fired back after time collecting themselves and repeatedly dunking the ball in the water cups and doing the focused arm extending practice shot motion, failing to make the first shot with an airball the second looked dead on but swirled around the cup furiously before ejecting with incredible speed, leaving many people screaming “THAT WAS IN!!!” the close call left ShitSquad rattled. Brett under intense pressure missed wide left embarrassingly landing in the opposing teams water cup. Team captain Davis kept his poise after the barrage of shit talking, starring the last cup down he shot and hit cups front lip directly sending the ball down the table towards him, without hesitation Davis snagged the ball and went for the around the back toss landing directly in the last cup splashing beer foam in the eyes of The-Master-Batters. The championship winning shot left Adam Davis with a severely sprained wrist after several hundred high fives in what spectators would call the greatest victory since the American’s Olympic hockey match versus Russia in 1980. Davis commented after the championship round “bro, once I’m on fire I pretty much make everything, hence the name Icy Hott, so I just sort of let it happen I’m just glad they missed their rebuttal shots, the around the back shot was crazy lucky though”. Davis is expected to make a full recovery for the barn dance next Wednesday.

What are you blacking out on?

Posted: July 9, 2011 in Poll
Tags: ,

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