Posts Tagged ‘DUI’


Duke Savage
Sissipoo Falls, Nova Scotia, Canada

As the Justin Bieber deportation petition garners it’s 100,000th signature, the American people are forced to turn it’s back on such childish issues as disappearing retirement funds, a confusing healthcare debate and a economy in the toilet and focus on the Biebs. 6 days after his arrest for suspicion of drunk driving and the day he was arrested for assaulting a limo driver, Beliebers are faced with the fate of their messiah on the line. Although the importance of Bieber’s American citizenship doesn’t rank high for almost everyone, a recent poll has shown Canadians’ number of f*%ks given. It’s hovering near zero. “Him? Damnit I thought we for rid of him. Our country has had two idiots, Bieber and Dudley Douchebag. At least Disney made a decent movie out of Dudley” said Sissipoo’s Samuel Brown. The bright side of Bieber’s impending struggle is some countries have volunteered a safe haven for the heart throb. Cameroon has had many suggest their’s might be a welcomed home. “His music is terrible….but we love beavers” says Cameroon’s Eric Osei. This just goes to show that no matter the lack of regard one has for the lives of others, no matter how pompous one man can get, someone somewhere will take him in and make fun of him. We at the Cucumber our only hope is wherever he lands, people will continue to shower him with insults and the malign Americans have willingly handed out.

Picture posted on Ron Weasley’s Twitter account at 3:14 am titled “Flying on the Sauce” shows Potter heavily intoxicated while piloting his Firebolt broom stick

Jonathan Cooper,

Professional wizard, and whimsical douche bag, Harry Potter was arrested for driving under the influence when he collided with a police cruiser downtown near the 500 block of East Johnston Street at 4:28 am. Sheriff Dan Willis on his routine night shift was stopped at a traffic light when the famed wizard reportedly slammed into the front of the police interceptor at a high rate of speed causing extensive damage. Potter who was piloting a Firebolt Broom Stick at the time of the accident, smelled profoundly of bourbon and cigarettes failed to pass a sobriety test, continually referring to the test as “black magic” Potter refused to take a breathalyzer at the scene. Once apprehended, he was charged with a DUI blowing a non-human .43 BAC at the station, as well as several other severe FAA penalties that come with operating a flying broom stick recklessly with no regard for standard regulations. Harry Potter’s lawyer David Weinstien released a press statement early this morning stating Potter had been playing in a late night Quidditch match and that the “trace amounts of PCP found near Mr. Potters unrecognizable splintered Firebolt on East Johnston Street could have been anyone’s” the lawyer then reserved the right to answer any further legal questioning.  Sheriff Willis was commended for his efforts in apprehending the belligerent wizard but really, really, doesn’t want everyone at the precinct calling him Sheriff Voldemort anymore.

Hours after being detained cellmate Deon Walkins reportedly witnessed Potter fashioning a fairly large wand out of his toothbrush and a plastic spoon which he then used to escape.  Harry Potter’s current whereabouts are unknown, our best guess is riding out that wicked PCP trip.