Posts Tagged ‘Howard’

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In his latest flick, Abe borrows a page from George Washington’s book and lays way to some nasty vampires.

San Francisco, CA

Duke Savage

As the first few multi-million dollar rolls of crap stained film roll out into your local theater, it’s time to take a minute and reflect on the rediscovered man of 2012. Sure…Abe Lincoln could be argued to be the most influential president of all time (freeing human beings from generational servitude, building the first transcontinental railroad or almost single handedly holding a young country from splitting down its fresh seams; that whole deal) but what 2012 taught us is, you think you have someone pegged and then you learn they also killed vampires. To call him ahead of his time is like calling the pyramids of Giza a stack of mud. Honest Abe’s infatuation with killing the dead has somehow eluded the biographers who have dedicated sex-less years to studying the man but Seth Grahame-Smith so cunningly dusted off his PhD in historical BS to tell the facts. As if Americans had never heard of him before, we were swept off our feet by how courageous Abe the Vampire Killer was, how Daniel Day Lewis could give another “performance of a lifetime” and how god damn annoying Mary Todd was. So we here at the Cucumber would like to extend our congratulations to Former President Lincoln, you took reinventing yourself to an astounding level. Maybe you should refer your publicist to Dwight Howard.

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Howard seen here in his indecisive “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” pose; a recent favorite.

Duke Savage

New York, NY

After holding the sports world hostage for more than two months now, Dwight Howard has finally made up his precious mind on where he’d like to play. It’s not South Beach, it’s not Houston, it’s not Brooklyn but it DOES come with a New York ZIP code. Howard just signed a 1 year $24 million deal with the WNBA’s New York Liberty. Although this contract doesn’t come with Jay-Z or the über billionaire Russian owner but it does come with a locker room chalk filled with tampons and as much Midol as he could ever need. Howard’s agent was quoted Wednesday saying “Dwight is excited to start a new career in a new league. Sure there’s some question whether a man who is 6′ 11″ 285 pounds and build like clydesdale should play with a bunch of women…but there’s always skeptics.” Whether Howard signs an extension with the Liberty after this year or decides to be a grown up and accepts that his NBA future isn’t based on his whims, remains to be seen. As always, we here at the Cucumber Periodicals strive to be objective with our reporting…but this unprecedented display of immaturity has made ever break up in history look like an elegant tea party. Pinky’s out Dwight…pinky’s out.