Posts Tagged ‘Mother Goose’

That’s right folks…skating counts, sleeping counts and unfortunate for some, size counts. Nike steps into a new frontier with their upcoming release of the Nike+ Fuelband Sex Guide

Eugene, OR

Duke Savage

After Nike released their high tech Fuelband early this June, it was clear that it’s effects would spread passed the realm of sport. Thats right, Nike has unlatched the proverbial chastity belt and has developed and plans on releasing it’s own sex guide; focused on which positions generate its user the most “Fuel points”. Although, Nike is being a you-know-what block about the book’s details, we here at The Cucumber Periodicals were able to obtain a small preview of the book that has the potential to make 50 Shades of Grey look like Mother Goose.

Exerpt from Nike+ Fueldband Sex Guide:

” “Noobs”

Missionary- Men: 314 Fuel points

Doggy Style- Men: 291 Fuel points (three ass slaps included)

Girl on Top- Men: 154 Fuel points

Although you may feel like you’re doing a lot, let’s admit it fellas, we don’t supply much as far as the love making process. As long as we don’t fall asleep, slip into a coma or cause any sort of catastrophe…all goes well. (Although female Fuel points have not been accounted for, they are assumed to be at least two or three times higher than their male counter parts.)

“Aspiring Adult Film Stars”

Reverse Cowgirl- Men: 320 Fuel points

Shower Sex- Men: 450 Fuel points

Laying Doggy Style- Men: 334 Fuel points

Go ahead and bump the difficulty rating up to a 6 because even though you may feel like Adonis, you’re just giving slightly than the minimum effort. Granted, your partner will no doubt appreciate the increased effort, there’s another echelon you can reach, go for it; it’s worth the points you lazy bastard.

“Borderline Sex God”

Trapeze Artist- Men: 832 Fuel points

Flying Squirrel Monkey- Men: 729 Fuel points

“Knock-Knock Who’s There?”- Men: 645 Fuel points (add 300 for a long apology letter, a dozen roses and breakfast in bed)

First off, we’ve never heard of these positions either. Our research team spent the entire afternoon looking these up on Urban Dictionary and we encourage you to do the same. Not only will you be a first ballot “pipe laying” hall of famer, you’ll get the official Cucumber Stamp of approval and have more Fuel points than the entire USA Olympic armada.”

With a rumored release date of Valentine’s Day 2013, Nike is further encouraging it’s customers to #MakeItCount.