Posts Tagged ‘nba’

ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC...but not the one you're thinking of...

ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC…but not the one you’re thinking of…

Duke Savage

Washington, DC

As the NBA season comes creeping ever closer, the talks about the 2015-16 free agent class has already begun churning, with Kevin Durant’s future leading the charge. Although many have speculated that the hiring of Durant’s one time high school coach Randy Wittman could draw Durant to the Wizards, the team he grew up rooting for as a child. Sure, the Cucumber has hedged their bets on an NBA star making the transition to the WNBA (see past article on the Dwight Howard free agent travesty) and SURE we at the Cucumber were miles from being correct but here we have a somewhat substantial lead. Ryen Russillo, NBA inside and ESPN Radio host of the SVP & Russillo radio show (side note: greatest sports show of all time), tweeted out Wednesday that he believes the other team in DC could hold the lead in the Durant sweepstakes. This tweet by Russillo could be assumed to go along with Russillo’s stunning record of all-star sarcasm, but we at the Cucumber believe every lead is credible and anything tweeted out should be handled with the utmost seriousness. The Mystics, Washington’s WNBA squad who sits second in the Eastern Conference, would more than welcome the added height as their tallest player is 6’5″, Durant’s lanky 6’9″ frame. If Durant were to break the “gender barrier”, he would clearly be the first but would most likely open the door for many other stars to make the leap into the WNBA. We at the Cucumber would love to thank Mr. Russillo and his show for the tip on Durant’s pending free agency and urge them to keep up the cutting edge insight. 


Similar to Austin Powers, San Antonio Spurs minority owner Samuel Simon had some trouble “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl”. Unfortunately for Simon, much like Donald Sterling, his privacy was breached by a wretched woman. Other than fearing for Mr. Simon’s intestinal durability, this writer fears that nothing is private in the world of 2014.

Duke Savage

Dallas, TX

In the wake of the Donald Sterling shit show, the NBA owners are all on edge with regards to the skeletons in their respective closets. An audio tape floated up Tuesday morning whose contents were incriminating of yet another NBA leader but this time it was Samuel Simon, minority owner of the San Antonio Spurs. Simon’s girlfriend Natasha Petrova released a tape to Deadspin revealing a personal struggle Simon had late Monday night. Simon, who had been struggling to pass what was left of a Texas Roadhouse Steak Tips plate. “It’s really just muddled grunts and pleas to God for support” said NBA investigator Alex Trimmle, “It was a lot like the scene from Austin Powers, he just had to bite his lip and give it hell.” Many of his fellow owners have spoken out in support of Simon, offering digestive suggestions as well as names of gastrointestinal specialists from the area. Simon’s representatives have released a brief statement regarding Mr. Simon’s intestinal fortitude. “Mr. Simon, as well as the Spurs organization, regret the audio that was released yesterday. We are deeply saddened by Mr. Simon’s struggles and are here to provide any push or support needed by Mr. Simon.” This recent scandal is a skid mark on an otherwise pearly white public record of the Spurs organization. This second thought-to-be-private moment that was recorded and released to the public, sets the rest of the owners on notice, nothing is sacred…not even the porcelain thinking chair. On the bright side, all signs point to the fact that Mr. Simon did wash his hands before returning to his court-side seats. 

It may seem like the sleek, sexy and/or edgy thing to do....but you really just look like a jackass

Duke Savage

Los Angeles, CA

In the heart of the fashion and entertainment world, Los Angeles, a large group of A-List actors, athletes and musicians gathered in protest in regards to the epidemic like fashion trend that is the “nerd glasses”. Nobody is actually sure who is to blame for the trend of wearing gas station quality sunglasses (sans lenses of course) that has become all the rage among American 20-30 year olds, but it is an undeniable fact that it has gone too far. From what we could gather, the glasses are intended to imply that the person wearing them is so far beyond fashion that they had to “dumb it down” for the rest of us. Basketball superstars such as LeBron James and Dwight Howard have been spotted wearing the glasses everywhere from All-Star games, nightclubs and comic book conventions. “We’ve made a terrible mistake” said Howard. “At first we thought it was cool and gave us another way to prove we just don’t give a f%$k.” In an effort to rid the world of this stupidity, Newsing High School in Pasadena, CA has outlawed the glasses and started issuing detentions for first time offenders, with habitual offenders being flogged with a blunt stick. “They have to learn that this type of irresponsible behavior will not be tolerated.” said Newsing Principal James Hart. “It’s our job to teach kids the different between right and wrong and these glasses are the worst thing to happen to Americans since the jheri curl.”