Posts Tagged ‘Olympics’

Image

Duke Savage

Sochi, Russia

As a part of the gang of displaced media covering the 2014 Olympics hosted in Sochi, the local drunk informed this reporter that the town was connected to the notorious conman/developer George Bluth, Sr. As with his secret contract with Saddam Hussein for building a tract of low end fake homes in Iraq, Bluth and Putin struck an agreement to build Sochi at 1/100th of the $51 billion allotted for the Olympic budget. This lays to rest all of the questions about missing door handles, light fixtures, shower curtains and the bathroom surveillance. In complete Bluth fashion, a few small corners were cut; walls left unfinished, toilets that can’t handle toilet paper (but there are garbage cans provided for the shit stained paper), rabid dogs or construction workers laying in hotel beds or doors left eerily open for no apparent reason, the entire town of Sochi is thrown together like a 5th grade science project. Bluth, who is known for galavanting with the who’s who of the world’s oppressive playboys, was the first one to introduce Putin to bear wrestling; something that has Putin has made his calling card in the past weeks. The IOC was unable to be reached for comment on this matter, however we were able to meet with the IOC president’s cousin’s babysitter’s neighbor Rufus Beltsnatch who said “Yea they’re in a hot mess. That Bluth fella really left them up shit creek without a paddle.” As a notice to the IOC, next time you choose a location for the WINTER Olympics, aim for a place that has naturally occurring snow (somewhat of a staple for all winter sports), that isn’t in the armpit of a terrorist ridden area of the world, and a place that won’t piss away $51 BILLION and 7 years to slap together a shanty town to host the best athletes in the world.

Advertisements

Couch Potato stand out Mike Chansky pictured here in one of his daily training sessions. Lazy Mike, as he’s affectionately known, headlines a group of hopeful American Olympians.

Duke Savage

Somewhere in the Midwest, USA

With the XXX Olympiad in full swing, many Americans are bitter about not being atop the gold medal count. But fear not my fellow Americans, the answer has been uncovered. Mike Chansky and the “flubbery five” are currently applying to make Competitive Couch Potatoing into the XXXI Olympiad. Often dismissed as being lazy, the flubbery five have been training for the past 20 years and are thrilled to have the Olympic committee. The rules of Competitive Couch Potatoing are still hazy but a rough draft have been released exclusively to The Cucumber Periodicals.

Rules for XXXI Olympiad

Competitive Couch Potatoing:

Two athletes will be put on Lazy Boy couches, given a 6 pack of beer (athlete’s choice), two bags of Ruffles potato chips, and a TV with two seasons of Breaking Bad on DVR. With the start of the official clock, athletes will start consuming their goods, and are to start on Season 1 Episode 1 of Breaking Bad. Athletes will be confronted with obstacles asking them to remove themselves from the “playing field”. Obstacles include “Wife asking athlete to take kids to soccer practice” or “Fixing the kitchen sink” and all the way to the extreme examples of “The shed is on fire and our four year old is running with scissors”. IF both the athletes do not leave the playing field, there shall be a sudden death overtime. This overtime will require both athletes to watch two episodes of A&E’s Toddlers and Tiaras; with the first athlete to blink or fall asleep eliminated; with sleeping being an automatic disqualifier.

That’s right folks…skating counts, sleeping counts and unfortunate for some, size counts. Nike steps into a new frontier with their upcoming release of the Nike+ Fuelband Sex Guide

Eugene, OR

Duke Savage

After Nike released their high tech Fuelband early this June, it was clear that it’s effects would spread passed the realm of sport. Thats right, Nike has unlatched the proverbial chastity belt and has developed and plans on releasing it’s own sex guide; focused on which positions generate its user the most “Fuel points”. Although, Nike is being a you-know-what block about the book’s details, we here at The Cucumber Periodicals were able to obtain a small preview of the book that has the potential to make 50 Shades of Grey look like Mother Goose.

Exerpt from Nike+ Fueldband Sex Guide:

” “Noobs”

Missionary- Men: 314 Fuel points

Doggy Style- Men: 291 Fuel points (three ass slaps included)

Girl on Top- Men: 154 Fuel points

Although you may feel like you’re doing a lot, let’s admit it fellas, we don’t supply much as far as the love making process. As long as we don’t fall asleep, slip into a coma or cause any sort of catastrophe…all goes well. (Although female Fuel points have not been accounted for, they are assumed to be at least two or three times higher than their male counter parts.)

“Aspiring Adult Film Stars”

Reverse Cowgirl- Men: 320 Fuel points

Shower Sex- Men: 450 Fuel points

Laying Doggy Style- Men: 334 Fuel points

Go ahead and bump the difficulty rating up to a 6 because even though you may feel like Adonis, you’re just giving slightly than the minimum effort. Granted, your partner will no doubt appreciate the increased effort, there’s another echelon you can reach, go for it; it’s worth the points you lazy bastard.

“Borderline Sex God”

Trapeze Artist- Men: 832 Fuel points

Flying Squirrel Monkey- Men: 729 Fuel points

“Knock-Knock Who’s There?”- Men: 645 Fuel points (add 300 for a long apology letter, a dozen roses and breakfast in bed)

First off, we’ve never heard of these positions either. Our research team spent the entire afternoon looking these up on Urban Dictionary and we encourage you to do the same. Not only will you be a first ballot “pipe laying” hall of famer, you’ll get the official Cucumber Stamp of approval and have more Fuel points than the entire USA Olympic armada.”

With a rumored release date of Valentine’s Day 2013, Nike is further encouraging it’s customers to #MakeItCount.