Posts Tagged ‘police’

Picture posted on Ron Weasley’s Twitter account at 3:14 am titled “Flying on the Sauce” shows Potter heavily intoxicated while piloting his Firebolt broom stick

Jonathan Cooper,

Professional wizard, and whimsical douche bag, Harry Potter was arrested for driving under the influence when he collided with a police cruiser downtown near the 500 block of East Johnston Street at 4:28 am. Sheriff Dan Willis on his routine night shift was stopped at a traffic light when the famed wizard reportedly slammed into the front of the police interceptor at a high rate of speed causing extensive damage. Potter who was piloting a Firebolt Broom Stick at the time of the accident, smelled profoundly of bourbon and cigarettes failed to pass a sobriety test, continually referring to the test as “black magic” Potter refused to take a breathalyzer at the scene. Once apprehended, he was charged with a DUI blowing a non-human .43 BAC at the station, as well as several other severe FAA penalties that come with operating a flying broom stick recklessly with no regard for standard regulations. Harry Potter’s lawyer David Weinstien released a press statement early this morning stating Potter had been playing in a late night Quidditch match and that the “trace amounts of PCP found near Mr. Potters unrecognizable splintered Firebolt on East Johnston Street could have been anyone’s” the lawyer then reserved the right to answer any further legal questioning.  Sheriff Willis was commended for his efforts in apprehending the belligerent wizard but really, really, doesn’t want everyone at the precinct calling him Sheriff Voldemort anymore.

Hours after being detained cellmate Deon Walkins reportedly witnessed Potter fashioning a fairly large wand out of his toothbrush and a plastic spoon which he then used to escape.  Harry Potter’s current whereabouts are unknown, our best guess is riding out that wicked PCP trip.

Although this baby appears to be on a ride-along with Mommy, she is actually on the shopping list.

Duke Savage

Climax, SC

After much speculation and gossip among the wholesale community, Newton Stonebreeze, East Coast Regional Manager for Buy A Lot, made the announcement in his weekly staff meeting. “To put the rumors to rest, it is true that we are expanding our already immense variety. We have decided to add a Children section to some of our stores.” Although this sounds like a department dedicated to Osh Kosh onesies, inflatable slip’n’slides and Barney boxed sets, it is an animal of a completely different nature. Buy A Lot is taking the unconventional plunge into children sales. As with everything else in Buy A Lot, the more you buy the greater the savings. For example, if the Octamom had been patient enough, she could have saved herself the immense pain and emotional stress of birthing 8 children for $500. The idea originally came about when Buy A Lot employee Steve Colgate decided he wanted to be a father but did not have the ability to do so. “I have always wanted to be a father but I am completely incapable of attracting a woman” said Colgate. Admittedly an impatient man, Colgate thought about adoption but could not bring himself to fill out the lengthy application. This department is being met with mixed reviews from Buy A Lot faithfuls. Mary-Lou Block, a 15 year Buy A Lot member, is outraged. “Selling children hasn’t been done for a reason…IT’S WRONG!” Great point Mrs. Block, however as we all know, Americans look for anyway to spend their money on unconventional and somewhat unethical products. Buy A Lot bigwigs are expecting the new department to explode and never turn back. As intriguing and unique as this expansion is, the question on many consumer’s minds remains. “What’s your return policy?” In an attempt to get the ball rolling, Buy A Lot is offering a buy one get three free promotion to new members. Get them while they’re hot America, it won’t be long ’till Congress aka “The Fun Police” get a hold of this one!