Posts Tagged ‘Santa’

Not even burly, half-drunk NFL fans can get on board with Canada's most famous and probably most embarrassing export.

Duke Savage

North Pole

The “you better be good or Santa will put coal in your stocking” threat took a violent turn for the worse after the Black And Cole Coal company announced they’d be shutting their doors after providing Santa with free coal for 100 years. When forced to find a creative coal-alternative to punish the misbehaving children of the world, St. Nick went with buying out the world’s supply of Nickelback CD’s. “I figured there is nothing worse than being forced to listen to a bunch of whining Canadians on such a typically joy filled day” said Mr. Kringle over a glass of eggnog and brandy early this morning. Early reports show a large increase in clean rooms, mowed lawns and censored “potty mouths”. The greatest attrocity to arise from this Canadian skirmish is the thought of a small child in a foreign country being forced to listen to “Side of a Bullet” and associating it with America. Don’t be fooled kids, its not Americans. It’s our quiet, weird, maple syrup sipping roommate who lives upstairs.

The infamous psychopath known as "Lady Gaga" rocking her dress entirely made of pork chops, T-Bone steaks etc. at the 2010 Grammy's

Duke Savage

Los Angeles, CA

One Lady Gaga representative told the Cucumber Periodicals that Lady Gaga was not simply content on wearing the majority of a butcher shop in 2010, an egg-shell imitation in 2011 and wants to “up the ante” so to speak. Snubbing her nose at PETA and anyone else who loves these cute adorable killing machines, Gaga had this to say “I’m Lady Gaga damn it. I am an artist that thrives on my stupidity and self-expression. This is the next logical step.” The idea that this 5′ 1″ freak of nature is attempting to fashion a dress out of an 8′ 350 pound animal goes against any sense of logic. Not only is this story grabbing the attention of any animal lover or those who are aware that the polar bear species is rapidly declining in numbers around the world, but also that of the Coca-Cola Company who was contacted by Gaga’s people earlier this week. Gaga felt that with this exhibition of rabid stupidity and animal negligence, she could possibly garner a sponsorship by the world-famous Coke brand. “Is she insane?!” commented Coca-Cola head of marketing operations Sam Moscowitz. “Why would we make someone the face of our brand when she clearly is wearing our former our old “spokesbear”? The logic that this psychopath is running with does not come within a million miles of sanity. We as a company feel that she should be locked away in a white padded cell if she follows through with this crazy stunt.” Although Coke’s polar bear was not available for questioning due to his obligations with his other job, being the main attraction at the San Francisco Zoo, we were able to contact another prodigious Coca-Cola spokesman Santa Claus. The typically upbeat and jovial Saint Nick was timid and scared when I caught up with him this Tuesday at a busy LA bar. “Where does it end with this woman? I’ve doubled my personal security detail since I’ve heard the news. What’s stopping her from stealing my sleigh and wearing ME to an awards show. God damn psycho.” Santa Claus told me in confidence (oops) that he plans on moving to Detroit and working in shopping malls during the holiday season because “who the hell will look for me in Detroit?”