Posts Tagged ‘thunder’

ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC...but not the one you're thinking of...

ESPN Radio host Ryen Russillo predicts that if any team will lure Durant away from Oklahoma City in the 2015 off season, it could be a team from Washington DC…but not the one you’re thinking of…

Duke Savage

Washington, DC

As the NBA season comes creeping ever closer, the talks about the 2015-16 free agent class has already begun churning, with Kevin Durant’s future leading the charge. Although many have speculated that the hiring of Durant’s one time high school coach Randy Wittman could draw Durant to the Wizards, the team he grew up rooting for as a child. Sure, the Cucumber has hedged their bets on an NBA star making the transition to the WNBA (see past article on the Dwight Howard free agent travesty) and SURE we at the Cucumber were miles from being correct but here we have a somewhat substantial lead. Ryen Russillo, NBA inside and ESPN Radio host of the SVP & Russillo radio show (side note: greatest sports show of all time), tweeted out Wednesday that he believes the other team in DC could hold the lead in the Durant sweepstakes. This tweet by Russillo could be assumed to go along with Russillo’s stunning record of all-star sarcasm, but we at the Cucumber believe every lead is credible and anything tweeted out should be handled with the utmost seriousness. The Mystics, Washington’s WNBA squad who sits second in the Eastern Conference, would more than welcome the added height as their tallest player is 6’5″, Durant’s lanky 6’9″ frame. If Durant were to break the “gender barrier”, he would clearly be the first but would most likely open the door for many other stars to make the leap into the WNBA. We at the Cucumber would love to thank Mr. Russillo and his show for the tip on Durant’s pending free agency and urge them to keep up the cutting edge insight. 

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You know how people always say “That guy must have a small (insert slang word for penis here)”? Well studies show, that assumption is spot on.

Duke Savage

Somewhere in Indiana

Doctors at Indiana University School of Medicine announced Wednesday that they are only months away from making a scientific connection between penis size and truck size. “It has always been rumored that there is an inverse correlation between the lift/color of a man’s truck and the size of his thunder stick” said IU doctor Terry Weeks. The study entitled “Angle of The Dangle” seems to be nearing an end after nearly two years of research involving volunteers owning obscenely large trucks. “We all know it’s true” said Joe DeMars, pictured atop this article next to his lifted Ford F150 he so cheekily named “The Thunder From Down Under”. “It’s an unspoken agreement that for every inch you lift your truck, you lack an inch in the loins.”Although the study has taken many hits from the ALBMTA (American Lifted Badass Mofo Truck Association) for being done under false pretenses, medical professionals everywhere are basking in the reverie of science from the seats of their comfortably low BMW 5 series’. Here’s to a world where “breathing diesel exhaust blowing obnoxiously through your drivers side window” is a thing of the past.