Posts Tagged ‘tooth fairy’

Duke Savage

Eugene, OR

Sources tell The Cucumber Periodicals that the infamous Tooth Fairy has been apprehended in Huntsville, AL yesterday after countless formal complaints of being down right creepy. Although no formal charges have been filed, many parents are speaking out against the beloved and mythological character. “How  has nobody thought of this before?” asked Susan Blocksworth, 43. “My kids are always thrilled when they lose a tooth because they know that the “Tooth Fairy” is sure to come. Isn’t it weird that a grown fairy is sneaking into children’s rooms while they and their parents are asleep and stealing their teeth? What the hell is he doing with all those teeth?” As the great Mother Theresa once said “A-Fuckin-Men!” Why does this mythical tooth hoarder have such a creepy and pseudo-stealth approach to his “work”? Where are all of these teeth going? Although the Tooth Fairy was not available for comment, his lawyer has released a statement:

” Mr. Fairy was taken into custody late Thursday night after tripping a local airport’s radar as an ‘unidentified flying object’. As always, the Tooth Fairy remains innocent until proven guilty and believes that he will be exonerated and that all charges will be expunged.  He would like to reassure all of his fans that he will be back to collecting their teeth in no time.”

However the jury lands on the Tooth Fairy’s fate, the fact that his chosen profession is unconventional and would be considered insanely inappropriate for anyone else in the world, is as undeniable as the fact that Donald Trump needs plugs. In the mean time, this reporter would like to advise you toothless wonders to simply throw those fallen pearly whites away. Due to common hygienic practices, collecting your own teeth is gross, unsanitary and reserved for professional Tooth enthusiasts.

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