Duke Savage
Slicklizzard, AL
An Alabama judge will rule this week on one a debate that has left millions of marriages at a stand still; the never ending fighting over the resting position of a toilet seat. Joe Lancebomber, will face prosecution from a civil action suit brought forth by his wife Beverly, for injuries and mental damages from an injury sustained on the couples’ porcelain throne. Beverly experienced the injury thanks to her husbands alleged “negligence” at 1:35 a.m. Saturday morning during a routine late night “tinkle”. The judge in question, honorable Gerald Blinker, was quoted as saying “This is a stinky situation. This argument goes back as far as the famous chicken/road debacle.” Mr. Lancebomber faces up to a $4,000 fine, 90 days probation and a punishment of being Alabama’s rival LSU’s mascot for the 2014-2015 college football season. Lawyers from both sides have slung mud back and forth in a manner that would make Johnny Cochran blush. The phrase that is leaving Blinker perplexed is synonymous with the issue; “How hard is it to put the seat down?” Although this is a seemingly insurmountable hurdle, 80 year-old scientific evidence was provided by the defense states that putting the seat down takes a remarkably menial .009 lbs of pressure; leaving the debate leaning towards the fairer sex. Don’t get those “I told you so” fingers out quite yet ladies, a remarkable break through from up and coming Cal Tech scientist Marcus Dingle may leave this argument in the…well…crapper. Dingle, better known to his friends as Barry, discovered that it takes EQUAL pressure to raise the toilet seat UP as it does DOWN. Judge Blinker is scheduled to announce his decision Friday but all signs point towards Mr. Lancebomber walking away unscathed. This hopeful reporter saves faith that Blinker will come to his senses and let bygones be bygones. So how much effort does it take to put the toilet seat up? Just as much as it does to put it back up when you’re done ladies.
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